Lynn Buck Gay Confirmed?
By: Let’s Go Lesbians!
Remember a few editions back when President Green was caught wearing fishnet tights and heels? What was once a laugh became reality as Lynn Buck came out as a lesbian last September over Twitter. We sent Squirrel reporters to the scene at the President’s House, where tiny lesbian flags were found adorning the path to the building.
In an announcement to the student body, President Green claimed that he will remain wedded to Ms. Buck, on the condition that he wears underwire and lipstick whilst in his office. The agreement was mutual, the pair signing the contract in Weber Chapel this past October. President Green revealed that he had mastered the “limp wrist” as a move of solidarity with us homosexuals.
The student body expressed mixed reactions to the news of Lynn Buck’s sexuality. The SU Republican Club sacrificed their precious Ronald Reagan cutouts to God in an attempt to “reverse” Ms. Buck’s sexuality. We pulled a member aside for a quote, only for said member to cry so hard that he began to vomit violently. Another expressed his shock that lesbians are a real-life thing, not something made up by the adult entertainment industry. Sorry, kiddo!
The Susquehanna GSA, however, rejoiced at the news. Many speculated that President Green would be the one to come out as LGBTQIA+ but were pleased with the news as it was.
“Lynn Buck is just a gay name,” one GSA representative told The Squirrel. “It’s a name you’d see in High Def.”
In a new deal with the CryptoHawks club, President Green has banked on his wife’s sexuality with a new form of cryptocurrency: Lynn Buck$! These Lynn Buck$ are extremely limited in their usage, but always work to rent out U-Hauls or go eating out. They are worth 0.26478 meal swipes, so have fun torturing the math majors with those numbers!
Lynn Buck being a queer, crypto icon is something many people didn’t expect to cross off on their 2022 bingo cards, but I guess it do be like that sometimes. Read more on page 69, where we explore a copycat coming out case: namely, President Green’s bisexuality announcement over MyNest last Tuesday! I guess the lipstick did a number on him. Despite half of campus telling each other “I told you so”, a new rumor speculates that President Green only came out for the clout! Somebody’s jealous of Lynn Buck being gay? Read on to find out!
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