Give Me Back My Bones (Threat)
By: Josh Hutcherson Whistle Edit
Okay I’m gonna be honest here, I can only listen to you guys talking about ‘yearning’ so many times before it starts to piss me off. Oh, do you yearn for the simplicities of your childhood? Do you lie awake at night just absolutely yearning your little socks off thinking about the good ole days like some kind of conservative grandmother? Grow up! Watch a new DanandPhilGAMES video like the rest of us and deal with it like an adult.
Do you wanna know what I yearn for from childhood? My bones. Babies have almost one hundred more bones than fully grown adults. What the heck. Have you seen how small babies are? They do not need all those fucking bones!!! They’re so squishy there’s no way they’re even using all of them. They’re just being greedy.
Scientists will tell you that the bones ‘fuse together’ or whatever and that’s why we have less as adults, but that’s dumb. I know the truth—the babies are hoarding all of our bones, and I want mine back. If not a total return, then the babies should at least have to split their stash and give each of us like 50 more bones.
And you know what else babies have that they don’t even need? A brain that soaks up languages like a goddamn sponge. If I want to learn a new language I have to stumble my way through Duolingo lessons and be harassed daily by an owl via email, but these little fuckers can just become fluent simply by existing. They can literally cry and get whatever they want, no words needed, and yet for some reason they get to have little pretentious linguist brains while I spend like 10 minutes trying to remember if I know the french word for food.
You can all sit there complaining about how we’re expected to do actual work now instead of getting to color and nap all day, but I know the real things we’ve been robbed of. You can bet your ass that if we ever find a way to reverse time, I’ll be first in line to become re-baby-ified. The next time I grow up, I’m gonna be inhaling languages like it’s my goddamn job. But even more importantly, I would find a way to become the first adult to get to keep all 300 of my bones—no matter how many scientists or other babies I have to fight to make it happen.
