The (deg) Fountain of Youth
By: An elderly 20 year old girl
I start every day with 2 advil and stretches recommended by my physical therapist, and then I limp around campus falling asleep in every class. I then end each and every day with 2 more advil and fall asleep with ice on every one of my joints. My wrists crack, my shoulder pops, my ankles crackle, and my hip is never in its socket. I am TWENTY, why do I have the joint problems of a 70 year old geezer?? I’m beginning to fear I’ve grown numb to the effects of advil after taking it so frequently, I need something else, something better, something stronger, something final. (No, I’m not talking about painkillers) I am talking about the fountain… The Fountain of Youth!
But where is it? How do I find it? How does it work? I must find out, I am going to go on an adventure—no, a quest, to cure my early onset old-age. And I am going to begin where all sacred quests should… yikyak.
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🚨Does anyone know where the fountain of youth is?
🌱huh? You mean deg fountain?
🪩If you mean deg fountain its literally right outside deg… yk the thing with water squirting out of it…
🚨Thank you all for your help. I must go to The Deg Fountain of Youth!
With all my research squared away, I started on my quest. I walked into deg and grabbed someone’s mobile order from starbucks (for my depleting energy), then I was on my way! I hobbled down the godforsaken stairs in front of deg, limping down each step with the energy of a lively retiree, and set out in search of Deg Fountain. “Hmm the thing with water squirting out of it,” I thought to myself as I scoured the area for the refreshing sight of youthful liquid. I take out my binoculars (I use them for birdwatching) and squint into them to find the splatter of water that will rejuvenate me and return me to the same feeling of youth I had before my pain started at age 12. I am growing tired, and my arm has gone numb from holding up the binoculars… Alas, I must give up. I slowly walk toward a bench to rest my weary soul and body.
As I lie down I am met with cold bench bars and begin to accept my fate of old-age-disease. Then suddenly I am splashed with something. Is it raining? Did someone just pour their water on me? No! There it is, The Deg Fountain of Youth splashing me with its youthful H2O. I am suddenly rejuvenated and begin running for the first time since turning 18. I have found the fountain of youth! I’m going to be young again!
I make my way to the source and throw myself onto the steps of the sacred, holy, fountain. I am saved! I begin to look up to the sky and thank whatever is up there for leading me to complete my quest. I finally pry myself off of the ground but as I go to set foot under the fountain of youth the water stops. I missed my chance, the fountain of youth is no more. I am cursed to suffer for all eternity all because I was too slow...
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🪩Facilities turned the fountain off for winter, it’s officially time for seasonal depression.
🤡Hope they turn it back on before May this year
