Halloween Horror-scope

By: Sophia Congdon

Aries: Don’t fistfight every trick-or-treater you see. Some of them aren’t in costumes. (Definitely make sure to deck Benny the Hawk tho.)

Taurus: Lie down in the cemetery and commune with the dead. Remember that, one day, this will be you.

Gemini: You will be bitten by a vampire on 18th Street. Luckily, you’re into that kind of stuff.

Cancer: The Great Pumpkin is always watching. Have you been a good little girl this year?

Leo: Your ghoulish features will terrify anyone who lays eyes upon you. Use this to your advantage for the rest of the semester.

Virgo: Your suspicions are right, you are cursed. Lean into it.

Libra: You will be turned into a zombie. Luckily, most people won’t be able to tell the difference. Unluckily, you’re still a bitch. Sucks to suck.

Scorpio: Now is the right time to start a cult. Consider Benny as a sacrifice. Happy Scorpio season.

Sagittarius: Eat as much candy as you want. You definitely won’t get a tummy ache and Geisinger definitely won’t accidentally put you in a coma.

Capricorn: We know you don’t believe in horoscopes, but we recommend you don’t insult any witches at least until the next fiscal year.

Aquarius: Your Halloween costume is a little too realistic. Tone it down lest they confuse you for one of their own.

Pisces: A black cat will cross your path. Have you considered fostering kittens? Just don’t tell Res Life.

Halloween Night (moon in Virgo): You will encounter two monsters; one always lies and the other tells the truth. Definitely don’t ask if they think you’re hot.