SU’s Next Mission: Achieve Lead Slay

BY: Ashlea Oakum

As the Spring 2022 semester races toward its end, President Green is plotting one last “camp” to become an advocate for the incoming Class of 2026 – Operation Achieve Lead Slay. In a recent interview with The Squirrel, Prez Green mentioned that he is currently undergoing an “intense process of, how do you say it, bimbofication? Yass, that.” The bimbofication of President Green is the latest of evolutions our president is putting himself through, following his previous Easter Bunny and Mall Santa fits, which The Squirrel has classified as “cheugy”.

The president gave The Squirrel a run-down of his ultimate plan to become (in his own terms) “the G.O.A.T that will influence the Class of 2026 to vagina slay queen...is that legal??” In his plan, he mentioned his up-to-date daily routine to prepare him for his bimbofication, which includes a five-hour study session of Chrissy Chlapecka’s Instagram, a mile jog in in his backyard (Doug Arthur Stadium) while wearing pink stilettos and fishnets, and a reading of his self-made dictionary of Gen Z slang. Prior to The Squirrel’s interview with Prez Green, he was heard through closed doors mumbling terms such as “bussin” and “vibe check” and trying to formulate them into sentences. The interview started when he got flustered and ended his study session angrily muttering “Sheesh, this high-key ain’t it chief. Yassssss, cap!”

We asked him to give us all the juicy details of Operation Achieve Lead Slay, in which he responded, “Oh yass sis, it hits different, eye why kay why kay” (The Squirrel would like to clarify that President Green pronounced each letter of “iykyk” rather than saying the full phrase). He also talked about his recent act of service, in which he paid his OWN $4 toward the Aikens Hall carpet-destruction tragedy because he wanted to “get even closer with the student body, yass that shit slaps”. During the interview, however, his wife angrily burst through the door, clutching a pair of baby pink stilettos and stretched-out fishnet tights.

“Jon, why the FUCK are you wearing my stuff? You ruined my fishnets - I was saving these for Student Success Day #62!!” she yelled. Things quickly got heated, as Green yelled back “Lynn, I’M the CEO of this campus! Don’t try to cancel culture me, you’re not woke!” The Squirrel decided to leave the interview after Lynn (rightfully so) responded to that statement with “I’m gonna cancel culture our marriage if you don’t talk like a normal human being!”

If Operation Achieve Lead Slay is successful, you can expect to see President Green representing the Class of 2026 this fall in a new fit that will make all the incoming freshmen say “damn, Prez Green’s got the drip, glad I’m giving him my $40k”.