Hubs Galore

By: NONEYA BUIZNZ

Earlier this month, the Hawk Hub opened in the Degenstein Campus Center. It is located in the space previously occupied by the OLE offices before they were mercilessly destroyed by Benny the Hawk in a violent rampage and the traumatized staff were relocated to refugee camps elsewhere in Deg. The new space will act as a help desk for general student questions and concerns. Full-time staff will act as Student Support Specialists and will attempt to solve the problems that are created by every other department in the university.

“Whereas, previously, students had to build professional relationships with staff and develop valuable interpersonal skills, we’ve now reduced all that down to one office.” Mike Coyne, SU’s aptly named VP of Finance and Administration, said in an interview. “According to surveys we’ve conducted and the data we’ve collected by monitoring our student’s internet history, we saw that the pandemic resulted in a sharp increase in hub usage of all kinds. GrubHub, Pornhub, etcetera. We thought that creating another one-stop-shop for a worse version of something good would really appeal to our students’ ever-lowering standards by providing them with even more bureaucratic middlemen.”

When asked whether any students were consulted about the new Hub, VP Coyne, with his signature candidness, affirmed that they had. “I asked one very apathetic student who walked by my office what she thought of the idea and she didn’t have any strong objections.”

Coyne continued to wax poetically about the importance of good communication for several minutes before concluding the interview: “I’m not exactly sure how the Hawk Hub will actually accomplish anything, but I’m sure they’ll figure it out as they go. Regardless, if it fails, we’ll just let Benny in there to renovate the space again. “

No other administrators involved in the creation of the Hawkhub could be reached for comment as they all recently started new jobs at Penn State. Additionally, several members of the faculty were interviewed, but they didn’t have anything nice to say, so we have chosen to ignore them and omit their comments from this report. We appreciate and value their input.