We’re in Deep Sheep
By: Sophia Congdon
SUSQUEHANNA UNIVERSITY—
Earlier today, the head of the Solar Panel Sheep Union released a statement announcing that Susquehanna University’s very own flock will be striking. This news follows several tense and unsuccessful weeks of the sheep attempting to negotiate for safer working conditions and increased benefits. “The working conditions are baaaaa’d. It gets dangerously hot out there, especially under all this wool.”
In an effort to quell the protests, Suquehanna’s SheepSafety department has been turning out in droves. The head officer, who seems to literally be the pig from Animal Farm in a wig, originally declined to give a statement but then, for some mysterious reason, went on to say that he thought “those sheeple needed to learn to pull themselves up by their hoofstraps.” In further efforts to placate the sheep union, the university has offered them SU branded sweat towels and water bottles to make their long hot days in the field easier.
According to one spokes-sheep of the union: “we know we have inherent worth. We raise the cuteness factor of this school by a good 15% while also providing 30% of the energy that powers the campus, two things SU can’t afford to lose during admissions season.” The solar panel sheep, one of the only consistently fully staffed departments at Susquehanna, also reportedly raise student morale by roughly 30% whenever they’re even mentioned in passing, something upper admin can only aspire to.
Recently, key members of the union have enrolled in classes in an effort to end what the sheep are calling a “systematic un-educating of the proletariat.” Upon finishing their midterms, the sheep union has decided to switch tactics by erecting a guillotine on President Green’s front lawn. They released a new statement claiming “the strength of the flock is greater than that of the individual! We must fight for the little lambs!” In retaliation, the registrar office has banned all quadrupeds from enrolling in classes.
Ultimately, this strike is predicated on an assertion of worth and willpower. Susquehanna University has been breaking the spirits of the solar-panel sheep for far too long. Com-rams, it’s on us to protect and uplift our fellow brothers-in-hooves. The Squirrel extends its support to our fellow mammals. The flock is only as strong as the weakest sheep.
Furthermore, the sheep union would like to remind its opponents that, barring the 1%, we’re all much closer to being flockless than to being a billionaire. The baaaa’geoisie do not care for the plights of the proletari-lambs. “We’re not so different, you and I,” one sheep claimed. “Sure, I’ve got all this fucking wool, but underneath I’ve also got a heart and a mind.”
We must protect our own and recognize the inherent worth of our labor. Susquehanna may own the solar panel field, but it would have no value without the sheeps’ labor. Remember: The prole
tari-lambs have nothing to lose but their paddock. They have a world to win. Working Sheep of all solar panel fields, unite!
