If Politics Are Going to Bore Me to Death, I’d Rather Drink to Death

My fellow Susquehannians,

In a day and age where the United States seemingly couldn’t be more divided (we’re still not in Civil War 2 yet), many of our readers have been begging us to fix the issues surrounding (and within) our political discourse. While we whole-heartedly accept this burden and will do everything in our power to be shining examples of unbiasedness, civility, and empathy; it must be brought to attention that we are just college students. 

And what are college students good at? Drinking.

So how would shining examples of democracy-valuing college students fix our discourse? Turn it into a drinking game! Since politics are inescapable at the moment, and half of it will be turned into a meme or some shit, the entirety of the time from you reading this to election results; you’re on the clock. 

Please make a screaming bald eagle sound and take a shot if:

• Kamala Harris says anything about that damn coconut tree

• Donald Trump fakes another celebrity endorsement

• Tim Walz does anything to show that his competing VP candidate is a dumbass (actually just sip a beer or something low in alcohol content as this occurs hourly)

• A Trump rally has no music besides the prison recording of “Star-Spangled-Banner” by the people who tried to overthrow the capital

• Another Trump trial gets delayed

• Another failed Donald Trump assassination attempt by a registered Republican

• The sexual tension between J.D Vance and a couch becomes anything more than palpable

• Donal Trump says “This is the first time I’ve heard of Project 2025”

• Donald Trump unveils a new shade of orange

• Anyone attempting to bridge the political divide is verbally crucified

• New Kamala Harris laughing compilation drops

• Your estranged elderly grandparents try to get you to vote Republican (on the premise of a lie)

• You think that the biggest issue with this election is taxes on tips (drink until failure actually)

• You consider moving to another country

• Donald Trump denies the existence of his running mate JD Vance

• J.D Vance, once again, sites himself as a source of information

• You lost a round of Political Debate Bingo in Benny’s

• You won a round of Political Debate Bingo in Benny’s

• Elon Musk has his feelings hurt by not being the center of attention on Twitter (I will never refer to Twitter as anything else) and tries to steal back trending (on his own website)

• Donald Trump tweets “STOP THE COUNT!” again (please God let it happen)My fellow Susquehannians,