If You Don’t Want to Eat Out, Vote Green Out!
By: Jane Teal
Susquehanna, let’s be honest with ourselves. Do we really think anything is ever going to get better? Do you really, truly, genuinely believe that your school is putting in any effort to improve your quality of living? To help with your struggles? To provide the necessities that you need to survive and cope with the absolute dumpster fire of a world we live in? No, of course not! President Green lives contentedly beside all of you while actively working to kill you by means of starvation. And so, I bring a proposal to the Susquehanna community: Hire me instead!
I would like to formally introduce to you both myself, Jane Teal, and my campaign to replace your current President, Jonathan D. Green. Forget engagement, leadership, global citizenship, and access—my time in office would be built on way cooler pillars. There are really only four things you need in life: Yassification, Girlbossery, Slayage, and Vibes. And, believe me, I have every intention of making sure that Susquehanna operates on these principles, and these principles alone.
You may be wondering, what factors would make me a better president than your current head of office? Well, for starters, I’m a woman—so I’ve already got one up on good ol’ Prez Green. Also, my last name is Susquehanna’s third, secret school color AKA teal (I’m not kidding. Like fr. They made their colors orange, maroon, and fucking teal. I don’t think anyone involved in this school at any point in its entire history has ever had any taste, and I am 100% certain they were all color blind.) Your current President’s last name is just plain old green, which has zero relevance to the school whatsoever.
Here are just a few of the changes that I would be implementing once I am hired:
I will get Scholarly Grounds open again in the evenings and on the weekends. And, unlike some politicians we know, I have actual tangible plans to follow through on my promises! For example, in order to elongate Scholarly’s hours I will allow Mr. Green to stay on Susquehanna’s staff as shift manager there whenever the lovely Diane isn’t working. I’d love to see how he fares on minimum wage.
I will replace Smith Lawn with an absolutely sick roller coaster. You can ride it any time, free of charge. And for the warmer seasons—don’t worry! I will also be replacing Deg Lawn with a giant waterslide. And not one of the dumb little ones, either. We’re talking toilet bowl action, the whole nine yards.
I will personally ensure that the playlists they sometimes randomly play in the dining hall are filled from start to finish with absolute bangers. I will also, just for funsies, throw in the occasional Mitski song to keep everyone on their toes (and in tears).
I will assign shifts in the Benny suit like you’re being called to jury duty.
I will convert Apfelbaum into a year-round haunted house complete with spooky lighting, decorations, and music (because nothing is scarier than the business school, and frankly I’d like to get rid of them). If you’re ever feeling like you need to get out some pent up emotion, all students are welcome to volunteer as actors so they can throw on a costume and scare the living shit out of their classmates.
I will get you food. Like, for real. I will provide you with real, edible food whenever you want it. I literally will just do the bare minimum and keep you from starving and having to spend more money than you’re already giving the school to buy food off campus. Weird that this would even need to be stated.
If you’d like to speak further with me about these promises, or inquire about any of my other plans, feel free to reach out to my campaign office by calling 570-372-4444! And remember—if you want an edible meal, vote Teal!
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