It’s a Polemic Essay, Bitch
Polemic: A hot take that argues for one point while refuting the opposing view
Hot bitches hate nuance, and boy, am I on fire. I am not a film aficionado; I have never claimed to be. The sole parameters I have for a movie’s quality is whether or not I was entertained. I am but a foolish Roman emperor lounging upon my throne, giving the likes of Rango and Forrest Gump a silly little thumbs down, sending them to the lions’ den whilst simultaneously requesting that we rewatch A Cinderella Story (the one with Hilary Duff). I answer to no one. My judgment is final.
Now that you have a good sense of the obviously very serious nature of my film reviews, I will commence my defense of Call Me By Your Name (CMBYN). I would like to begin by asserting that I do not care about your opinion at all. I do not care if you’ve read the book, so have I. Or rather, I attempted to, but it was so rancidly self-indulgent that I simply could not get past page 30. The narrator, Elio, was so unlikeable and so needlessly dramatic that when I heard they were taking his personality to the big screen, I vowed never to subject myself to hearing his mind-numbingly vacuous soliloquies aloud. However, upon discovering that Sufjan Stevens would be contributing to the soundtrack, I knew I would have to submit myself to the mercy of God—and what a merciful God He was on that fateful day!
You cannot deny it, CMBYN is a visually stunning movie. (Is it the best gay movie out there? HA, no. That title goes to The Handmaiden.) It’s heartbreakingly beautiful. It makes you ache for a place you’ve never been, for a time you’ll never experience, for an emotion you can only hope to glimpse. The cherry on top of the prettiest movie I’ve ever seen? The soundtrack. Revolutionary. Have you ever eaten an orange whilst taking a cool shower in the middle of a hot summer day, high? Have you ever taken a sip of water from a garden hose after rinsing the earth from your feet? Have you ever hugged a friend goodbye when you know it will be months and months before you see them again, and you’re trying to hold on to that moment and evade the inevitable? That is what this soundtrack, and by extension (in my opinion) the entire movie, feels like. Simultaneously like a last hurrah and a portraiture of youth.
I will concede the age gap. But rest assured that there is nothing new you could tell me about it. I’ve read all the articles and seen all the interviews. I made a pros and cons list and decided that the scenery outweighs the grossness. Frankly, you could film someone getting murdered in Northern Italy and I would probably still watch and enjoy it (even more so if “Une Barque Sur L'océan” was playing in the background). So, if that is the only thing you have on this movie. If that is your only complaint. If you cannot think of a single other LEGITIMATE problem (and I am, of course, the judge of what is legitimate), I suggest you take it up with André Aciman himself.
This movie asks: “Is it better to speak or to die?” Obviously, I think it is better to speak. Not to dramatize (or maybe that’s exactly what I mean to do, that’s my business 🙄); I don’t mean to take myself nor my argument too seriously, just as I don’t think we’re meant to take CMBYN too seriously. It’s a moment, basically a fairytale, not meant to be analyzed at every turn. It’s a glamorized glimpse at first love, solidified as golden in our memories. It’s Elio’s daydream, and we are all privy to it. If we don’t like what we see, the film suggests that we put on an additional pair of rose-tinted glasses and consider that maybe, just this once, we take something at face value. I believe that not everything is improved through analysis.
I don’t want to catch anyone in our DMs fighting me on this. If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine, I never said you had to. If you want to be miserable, be miserable, just don’t tell me about it. Something being good or bad or uncomfortable is subjective. Dig deep into your hearts and remember the blessing this film bestowed upon us: “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” by Lil Nas X. If you wanna check my queer card, feel free to bite my ass. Read it and weep.
This Author’s Top Picks for Hotties with Taste:
The Handmaiden
Moonlight
Saving Face
Turning Red (those middle schoolers were GAY)
Handsome Devil
But I’m a Cheerleader
Pushing Daisies (Not a movie, not even gay, but definitely for the homos)
Venom (I’m brave enough to say it)
Comments