It’s So Over, They’re So Back

Despite being smack-dab next to a decrepit boneyard, the zombie contagion started in the heart of Susquehanna University. To nobody’s real surprise, it began in a grody frat house, our patient zero any one of these cookie-cutter, jungle-juice guzzling nerds. The zombie infection, dubbed the Selinsgrove Event by us diligent Squirrel reporters, is turning these already half-dead students into fully dead idiots. It was business as usual—the moaning, pale students really nothing too unusual—until a first-year student turned on their honors teacher, doing those gruesome things that zombies do with gusto. Good for them, honestly. Fuck the honors program.

Now anyone who’s as nutty about the undead as I am (they’re my special interest, okay?) knows that there are three kinds of zombies. You got your shamblers, your crawlers, and your sprinters. Nobody on this fucking campus can go fast, and the same carries over in undeath! The campus zombie population is composed almost entirely of slow shamblers, though zombified students on scooters have posed a new threat to the living. Ban be damned; are you gonna be the underpaid fuck telling a ZOMBIE what to do?? That’s how you get your face meat turned into lunchmeat. That’s like, zombie 101. 

The surviving campus population has formed small groups, determined to stave off the inevitable. A group of maybe thirty-odd students have sealed themselves off in the science building’s greenhouse because “there’s literally plants, we can eat those”. They knocked down the stairs to the upstairs so nobody else could think of joining them. Ele’s was overrun, but when the fuck isn’t it? Another group, a mix of professors and staff, have sought refuge in the first floor of President Green’s big ass mansion. The students of Smith Hall reportedly have dismissed the chaos as same old, same old. The disgruntled reslife staff have started charging for dorm damages, zombies included. In fact, zombified students have noticed an additional 3,000 smackeroons added to their tuition, the charge listed as an “endangering campus community” fee. 

Let’s touch a little more on our wretched little undead freaks. The zombies, though strong in number, report intense hunger after finding an insubstantial amount of brains on this campus to munch on. Poor things are gonna starve :( They’re not gonna eat at deg, so a starving few have resorted to eating the half-smushed, cum-smelling ginkgo berries off of Kurtz. Squirrel informants even watched a zom start suckin down squirrel brains. Dare we say, that zombie was probably a quill supporter. Cringe!

SU survivors primarily communicate with one another via Yik Yak, and the big talk in town is what caused the Selinsgrove Event. Some say the admin planned it, others take the easy way out and blame the shitty Aramark pigswill they call food. A smaller survival population believes that the disease started from animal transmission. Benny and that bear on campus deny all accusations. 

However, we here at the Squirrel believe in the TRUTH, unlike those fucks at the quill who said the infection comes from a virus that escaped a lab. Uh, dumbass, that’s how it is in literally every zombie movie EVER, don’t be so cliche. No, we here at the Squirrel know the truth. It started in an HONORS class. Coincidence? I think not! The honors program caused the zombie plague, y’all. That’s why the dropout rate is so high. They learn about the zombie plot and jump ship before anyone’s getting bitey. We’re cooked.

It’s so over. 

They’re so back.