Which Campus Housing is Most Likely to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?
By: Res Life
In preparation for the advent of Halloween, that most insidious day when the bowels of Hell roam the streets through the bloodied gates of capitalism (and by extension Spirit Halloween), we here at the Squirrel are preparing for the absolute worst. While a lot of you would scoff at the idea of the undead coming back to life from whatever existence transpired after their mortal coil, you shouldn’t rule it out. Weber most definitely has ghosts, the business school is haunted by Plan B babies, there are at least three cemeteries in Selinsgrove (two of which are on or right by campus), and just about any given “educational” building on campus is liable to have one classroom where a students’ self worth has been publicly executed by a scornful professor.
But I digress. Here is the Squirrel’s definitive guide to which Res Hall would survive the zombie apocalypse.
Smith Hall: With the amount that you guys post on your class story, it’d be a wonder that the zombies didn’t know where you were at any given point. Your last “societal contribution” will be up for 24 hours in semi-permanent horror as you take a selfie for the class story with the caption: “I’ll miss you guys so much!!! Smith Hall we ball 🏀🔥💯😭”
Reed Hall: Less guilty of story-spam than Smith but the glass in the common room will betray anyone trying to enjoy a movie while they ready themselves to be fed on.
Hassinger Hall: The safest building on campus by far. Everyone forgets you exist.
Aikens Hall: Being at the center of campus, there will be no escape. The zombies will find your flesh the most bland :p
West Hall: The first one to go down. With a graveyard just up the hill, zombies have the high ground and the building is liable to fall apart at this point. You will lie among the roaches while your face gets gnawed off.
North Hall: Your final moments will be spent alone.
Seibert Hall: Unfortunately, the Honors Program won’t do anything to help you a̶n̶y̶m̶o̶r̶e̶. Your final stand will be made on the roof.
Sass Complex: You’ll watch as the horde rolls over the athletic fields to your doorstep. Your best bet is to starve in the basement.
West Village: The middle buildings will last the longest as the zombies come from West Hall and the main campus. If you have any heart you’ll give the dorm pets a chance and set them free.
18th Street: Surprise! Campus Safety will be of no help to you. The zombies want to be there just as much as anyone else. Enjoy closing the door on your underclassmen friends as they get dragged into a maelstrom of teeth and grabbing hands.
Delta House: Your attempt at “redefining zombie apocalypse” will be wasted as your arms are ripped off.
TKE House: Your brute force against the male zombie demographic will do well to prevent an outright onslaught but the guy at the door only letting in female zombies will be your demise.
Pi Kapp House: The zombies will be drinking blood rather than beer whenever they make a shot in pong. Aim well and true brothers.
Phi Mu Alpha House: As long as you can resist the urge to play the most awesome background music for the apocalypse, there’s a chance you guys can slide under the radar.
House Zeta: Weirdly enough, the Zetas were already prepared for this eventuality and have a bunker.
A.D.Pi House: You ladies are going out with a boom boom!
Sig Kap House: All the zombies will be scared of the resting bitch face energy that radiates from your house.
Sigma Alpha House: One of you is going to feel the compulsive urge to harmonize and then the horde will follow like moths to a flame.
If you weren’t mentioned, the campus zombies take no notice of you and you’ll live on with a confounding sense of accomplishment in how little you do.
