These People Are Animals

By: Underpaid Preserve Employees

Here at the Preserve for Education of Native and Invasive Students (PENIS), there is an abundant number of residence camps for the local wildlife, discipulus doloris, commonly referred to as “students.” Most students are required to inhabit these camps as they are slightly invasive to the local area, but the native population also migrates occasionally onto the preserve. As caretakers of this sanctuary of suffering, we took it upon ourselves to record and judge the common traits among the camps—for science. Here’s what we found:

Camp Seibert 

They get forgotten a lot, whether because they aren’t that popular or they are in the Honors Treatment Facility and PENIS stopped caring about them after they raised the preserve’s stats during admission. We could do better for these pathetic creatures, but the execs have elected to put the preserve’s money towards more useful endeavors, like buying fancy decorations!

Camp North 

We cannot count the number of times we witnessed these students begging a car to run them over while walking to class, and they haven’t even succeeded yet! Skill issue, we say. Other students are surviving by the power of spite and substance abuse alone. Be better, North. 

Camp Smith 

🎵we don’t talk about Smith-oh no no no🎵

Children. Also known as the emotionally undeveloped habitat zone. These ones are insane, make fun of our name, and we refuse to be within the same area code as them, especially during feeding hours. They need federal containment, and yes, most are football players. These co-ed habitats really can be a bad idea sometimes.

Camp Aikens 

Weed and wannabe frat boys. That is all :)

Camp Hassinger 

More children. Gay, but the annoying kind. They spend hours howling and baying in the common areas of the habitat, and for the sake of our fraying sanity, they need to shut the fuck up. We are thiiiiis close to defenestrating them out of PENIS. 

Camp Reed 

Even more children! Often sighted watching Cartoon Network or playing video games from across campus thanks to the massive projector a former idiot employee installed in the habitat. Wannabe sorority girls and lots of bathroom raves. 

Camp West 

One of the largest habitats in PENIS, known only for the abominable parking situation and being an eyesore. Also that roach incident. The students here are perpetually depressed, like, more so than normal. Is CAPS too far away for you guys?

Camp West Village

In theory, we remember they exist. But whenever we hear about any of the sub-habitats within this quaint village, we genuinely have no idea where it’s located on the grounds, so they just don’t exist in our minds. Oops? Not really. 

Camp 18th Street

They think they’re special because they get to live outside the main habitat and are leaving the preserve soon. The preserve employees know that these creatures are still as emotionally undeveloped as the rest of the PENIS brood. We see that chunk of you using ChatGPT for all your assignments. Hope none of you are going to do anything important in life! 

Camp Sassafras Complex

We would rather sell our kidneys than willing work on-site in this habitat complex; that walk to class is a crime. At least they have entertainment from the grazing sheep at the solar fields and the constant sports events in their area. Oh, and the massive parking lot must be nice…when every other creature in the preserve isn’t using it. 

Camp Greek Life 

These creatures are so specifically annoying they had to pay to make friends with other equally annoying creatures in PENIS. And let’s not even get into the Title IX, ahem, disagreements—those are classified.