Jebidiah strikes back
Ah yes, south central rural Pennsylvania. As I drive by on the rocky, unkempt roads, I look out at the beautiful rolling landscapes from my Honda Civic, a smile tugging at my lips. Peaceful, serene, homey; these are the words that describe this unique place. A tractor slowly rises on the horizon, coming towards me. It’s a huge combine, (no rubber of course) surely made to cultivate thousands of crops, an incredible feat that is just- wait. What the fuck? Is that a goddamn baby carrier bolted to the fender? Oh my god, is that a BABY IN THE CARRIER?!
That’s it, pull over. I’m just going to say it- I hate the Amish. I have lived and breathed in Amish and Mennonite communities and I. Can’t. Stand. Them. Like no, Jebidiah, I don’t want your “organic” whoopie pies. Let’s talk about the skeletons in your closet.
The entire Amish and Mennonite community and lifestyle is a scam, point blank. They are often shown and promoted as a remote and “back to basics” lifestyle with no electricity, no rubber, and no outside world contacts. If you’re a woman who loves to churn butter and keep her mouth shut, this might sound great for you! And for the gentlemen, if you love hard work and forcing people into submission, you’d thrive! The Amish community is notoriously known for abuse and silencing victims through “shunning” where they basically pretend those that are in trouble don’t exist, refusing them places at the table during dinner time, and at church service. This isolation is hard to escape; many Amish people are stuck at an 8th grade education level with 25 kids they didn’t want to have. So they stay.
Let me make this clear; yes, I hate the Amish with a passion. But no, I don’t hate the people themselves. Yeah, they got some fuck ass hairdoos (I mean who is their barber, a goat?) but they are humans trying to survive. I pity the women and children that are born into that lifestyle, destined to never go to college and to make those fugly rocking chairs.
On the plus side of the Amish scam? Tax benefits and a blind eye. This is a whole nother can of worms that pisses me off- like how are you not going to pay governmental social taxes and then let your horse and buggies demolish my roads? Fuck you. The amount of stories I have from my grandmother’s farm about Amish people fucking around and never getting caught or having legal repercussions is ridiculous.
So what’s the moral of this horrific story about ye old Esther and Josiah? Support your local farms without funding a morally questionable community. If you see a Mennonite or Amish in the wild, smile. You never know when you’ll need a barn built.
