Keep Your Eyes Off Of My Lawn

Dear Ms. MacKensaileighlee,

I am writing to you today because I frankly hate the Homeowners Association, and by extension: you. I moved to Acorn Valley because living in the first town in Pennsylvania seemed intimidating, but the secondest town seemed far more inviting to me. Being from 30 minutes outside Philly, Acorn Valley felt almost like home except with a lot more territorial disputes between the Wawas and Sheetz in town and a lot less risk of someone breaking into my home after climbing a pole.

Since moving here however, I have grown to dismay my residency. I was not aware how pervasive the HOA was in Acorn Valley. Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what I can and can’t do on my hexagon-shaped plot of land? You’ve barred out of ground pools but the dirt bike circuit you’ve had built for your 17-year-old son is not as disruptive? Also, you’ve put a limit on how many cars can be in a driveway past 8 P.M. on weekdays (2.5) but there is almost always approximately five cars beyond that in your driveway by midnight. You’ve banned cars from being parked in the driveway (my home gym is in shambles), you won’t allow me to paint my house a different color other than a variant of piss yellow, and the HOA checks everyone’s property every 35 minutes. How the fuck do you all have so much time?

Another thing I hate is how strict you are about things getting lost over the fence. My darling daughter wanted to practice softball in our yard, since this is the first year the middle school will allow her to try out, but every time she rips a heater over the fence, I get a $25 charge on my credit card. How the fuck did you even program your security cameras to do that? Also, why am I not getting paid $25 every time your son flies over the fence on his dirt bike? Since you’re allowing this sort of behavior and instantly charging me for the softballs; I’ve changed my billing information with the landscaping company the HOA requires residents to pay for to your address.. Please pay for your son’s damage to my yard.

My final complaint is that you will not tolerate anything but off white LED lights in anyone’s house. While I do appreciate the environmentally friendlier LED lights, I think it is a little extreme that we can’t even light candles or have a Christmas tree with any fun colors. If this rule continues to be enforced, I’d ask that you practice what you preach and remove the red lighting from your bedroom. Also please add a rule that blinds must be closed while being intimate as my darling daughter is now teaching her sex ed class what she claims to have seen from your side of the fence. 

Burn in Hell,

Please stop inviting me over specifically at 12A.M.,

Move Out,

You’re the worst,

Kys,

Earl “Skippy” Johnson