Le Creuset Crisis of a Lifetime

By: Sophia Congdon

My dear devoted readers, I have encountered a hiccup in my 10 year plan. If you are an avid baker, such as myself, or are well acquainted with the WASPy upper-middle class (such as myself), then you are familiar with the Le Creuset brand. According to their website, “Le Creuset is the leader in highly-durable, chip-resistant enameled cast iron.” i.e.: fancy-ass cookware. Not only is this crockery fancy, it’s also colorful. With over 200 shades since the 90s, the options are truly endless.

Why, you may ask, is a 21 year old college student interested in buying a $600 brightly-colored dutch oven? I’m not interested in buying one… yet. However, it is my personal goal to own a Le Creuset dutch oven (8-quart minimum, obvi) by 2032. This leaves me with one question to ponder for the next nine years: What color is my Le Creuset color?

It goes without saying that all my future Le Creuset purchases must match. They are akin to Zodiac signs, your Le Creuset color says a lot about you on a spiritual level. However, the main issue is that Le Creuset occasionally discontinues colors. If middle-aged me invests hundreds of dollars into a matching set of high-end cookware, only for the color to be discontinued half way through my collecting, I will literally kill myself.

You can’t pick one of their best selling colors, unless you’re interested in your cookware looking like everyone else’s cookware, which I am not. Dear reader, if I ever find myself owning a TikTok famous Le Creuset color I will beg you to take me out back and shoot me point blank. Conversely, you also can’t pick a color that’s so obscure that it runs the risk of being discontinued 15 years down the line. You have to take into account the color of the fixtures and whether you want a solid or a gradient. It would be foolish to pick a brand-new color, as they typically fall out of fashion within a few years, but how can you be sure the latest release won’t be an instant classic?

The Le Creuset color wheel haunts my nightmares, it is my sleep paralysis demon. As I toss and turn in the middle of the night, I am plagued by thoughts of my Le Creuset color being discontinued. How could I continue my collection? What if someone gifts me a piece in a different color and I can’t exchange it for my color? What if my color gets discontinued two weeks before my wedding and no one tells me and everyone goes off the registry and gets me something in the color they perceive to be second best??? What if someone gets me a Le Creuset piece in Flame??? FUCKING FLAME???? AND THEN WHAT??? I JUST PAINT MY GODDAMN CABINETS ORANGE TO MATCH??

All this to say, I’m not sure nine years is enough time to make this decision. I know what color I have my eyes on (my sweet, supple, voluptuous Agave), but what do I do if it’s discontinued before 2032? If you’re sitting in your home on a clear day in 2029 and you hear an anguished cry that shakes the earth’s core, just know that Agave has been discontinued, and I have hurled myself off the nearest cliff.