health is made up so this much iced coffee actually is good for me

By: The World Health Organization

So, show of hands: who here has given up on their New Year’s resolution to be healthier? Everyone? Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re all probably salivating at the idea of an easy way to achieve this overglorified concept of health, and I am here to be your savior and bestow upon you the answers the pharmaceutical companies and health insurance corporations don’t want you to know: health is a manufactured ideal meant to keep things like vitamins, orthopedic socks, and cocaine in business—hey, it worked for Nixon. The suits and ties in the office don’t want the little guys to know that health is made-up, so they create illnesses like high blood pressure, glorpfarksin, and heart disease in order to keep us on our leashes. Well I say no more!

I have decided that the daily activities I do are in fact healthy, like licking random reptiles in the biology lab, kidnapping children for Shein’s sweatshops, and drinking five cups of iced coffee a day. Hey, they’ve kept me alive this long!

Especially iced coffee. That shit gets me through some tough times, man. Whether I’m writing an essay at 11:50 PM, running from the police with blood drying on my shirt, doing a group project with three incompetent partners, or painting a neon green mustache on Mount Rushmore. Coffee does it all!

So what if I now have chronic muscle spasms? My muscles just enjoy dancing! Do you not enjoy dancing? What is this, Footloose? And okay yes, I haven’t slept in 96 hours, but sleep is for losers and I am not a loser! Don’t believe what the shadow man in the corner is saying about me. I do not eat bees, Gerald! Stop spreading these lies! This coffee is making me strong you see, and strong people don’t get made-up diseases. I mean look at these statistics:

They’re so clearly fake! These organizations are making number salads and calling it dATa so we pay for overpriced medications secretly laced with LSD! My coffee is so much healthier than the poisons big pharma—why does my chest hurt? Huh that’s weird; my arm doesn’t feel right. Have I been stabbed? Does anyone else feel th—