Campus Safety Touts Anti-Irish Sentiment While Investigating West Hall Break-In

By: Kenzie Piacenti, Investigative Reporter

At approximately 4:15am on the night of Thursday March 17th, four rooms were broken into on the 2nd floor of West Hall. First to notice the break-in was one Kevin Hamilton, who has apparently been squatting in a supply closet that ResLife will be converting into a triple room next semester. Kevin Hamilton anonymously called Public Campus Safety (which we only know cus’ we have eyes everywhere, bitch), who quickly responded to the call three hours later.

A resident who had just been coming back from: “a campus approved event with no alcohol, please don’t put this part in your article” described the scene in an interview with The Squirrel: “It was truly shocking; the rooms were just destroyed. Furniture was broken, blankets torn, the mattress was ripped to shreds! I mean, someone pissed green liquid all over the rooms? And it was chunky… and thick? I really think whoever did this is sick, like,.. serious medical condition level of sick.”

An anonymous source tells us that in addition to what was described, Guinness bottles were found smashed, the door of one room had been torn off its hinges, and worst of all, the smell was visual, like you could see it, the smell was green. According to the anonymous source, it was the 3rd worst disaster to happen in West Hall that week.

While to everyone who viewed the mess it was obvious that either a drunk resident or The Hallway Piss-Boy caused the break-in, Public Campus Safety has a different, albeit unpopular, opinion on what happened. After many attempts to interview the officer on-scene about his controversial opinion, we finally tracked him down eating an entire rotisserie chicken with his bare-fucking-hands in the Degenstein Campus Center bathroom, near StudentLife. After waiting for the officer to wobble out of the bathroom, we captured him in a cage and poked him with an electric cattle prod until he talked. He pondered for several breathtaking moments, then explained, “I truly think it was a leprechaun. It’s honestly the only explanation.” When offered the observation that leprechauns do not exist, the officer became agitated: “I’ve seen em! Are you questioning me? Are you saying I don’t know how to do my job? That I’m incompetent? It was a leprechaun. End. Of. Fucking. Story.”

Currently, the University’s official report is that a leprechaun caused a break-in, and they are looking at pressing charges. At this point it is unclear if the chunky, green urine is a symptom of a new Covid variant, or of the Susky TKE STD. If anyone has any information on the potentially medically ill student leprechaun, please come forward. We are genuinely concerned for the health and safety of this being/creature/student.