The Rise of the Homosexual Agenda
By: Gays Against the El Gee Bee Tee Cue Community
Hello my fellow Americans! I have come to bring you some terrible news. Everything, and I do mean everything, is gay now. We all know that some things are secretly gay, like Doc Martens, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and the concept of rats. However, the so-called alphabet mafia have gone too far this time, and pushed their agenda into everything beloved! I will not stand for it.
Now, as a man who is unfortunately attracted to men, I have links in (ugh) our community, so I was able to acquire a list of things that us normal people can no longer safely use or do without being accused of supporting their agenda. Below is a shortened list, as the full list was far too long and obscene to share with the world.
Kissing the homies goodnight. This is a very common activity for straight people who just love their friends so much and have to show it. And, as we all know, it's not gay if everyone has socks on, but I have been told that socks aren’t adequate protection against the gay anymore! I, personally, feel victimized by this development because kissing my homies goodnight is one of my favorite pastimes. I love it so much that I even kiss them good morning and good afternoon (with socks on, of course).
Professional sports. Apparently, now it's gay to regularly get sweaty with other men while more men watch. Athletes beware! You must be careful while being recruited to run around in a field and sometimes touch guys, depending on the sport, lest people think you’re a fellow homo. Of course, no women are on the field with you, but that’s just because they wouldn’t be able to keep up with such strong men! And it’s not gay to wear an imitation of your favorite man’s shirt, it’s just supportive! Nevertheless, gays have claimed sports as their own, pushing out those with good traditional values. I’ve even seen groups of men who were clearly gay sitting in Buffalo Wild Wings and watching the football recaps.
Being an actor. With the current push for gay people to play gay parts, actors are being accused of queerbaiting their rabid fans. This is wrong on many counts, not only because their subsequent coming out crushes my fantasy of hot male actors secretly wanting me carnally. Nobody should be coming out as anything ever because there’s already far too many gays in Hollywood already. If they can’t even pretend to be straight while getting paid, then they should just quit. I mean, I’ve played straight for my whole life and I even did it for free!
Podcasts. Gay people have gotten hold of podcast men and their products, leaving the original purpose behind. I like podcasts, too, but it’s not only because they have such soothing voices! It’s also because they talk about how terrible women are. But these stupid gays are objectifying podcast men far more than they should, and women of all people are making their own podcasts! This should have never happened, and those who told everyone about how we THEY objectify men should shut their goddamn mouths for once.
Hunting. An activity started for those who hated their families enough to want to kill, but were prevented from legally killing their families, so they decided to kill animals instead. Liberals and gays have gotten word that men leave their families for days and even weeks at a time to stay in a cabin with other men, pushing their values onto it in the process. What was once a peaceful time of sitting in silence in the woods hoping to see a specific animal so you can shoot it has now turned into a time of sitting in silence in the woods hoping to see a specific animal so you can shoot it, but in a gay way. Why can’t you people just leave these men alone, especially when you know they spend their time killing things? I’m not saying that I want to be invited on a hunting trip, I’m just saying that if a man asked me to spend time in a cabin with him, I wouldn’t say no. You’re going to ruin my chances with your stupid agenda.
As you can clearly see, gay culture has overreached its bounds and needs to be beaten back by those who understand the merit of keeping our common values. Too many gay people seem to think that they absolutely have to go along with every other one just for the sake of ‘the community’, but they don’t seem to realize the benefit of keeping the peace. We don’t need to make anything more gay because there is nothing wrong with how it is currently.
I sincerely apologize to all of the normal people who are caught up in this rapid change of culture, especially straight men. Please don’t think that I’m one of the gays referenced in this list; I don’t think I could survive if you excluded me from your straight men activities.
