Musk Fanboys Participate in First Annual Dick-Riding Competition
By X Æ A-12
If you’ve been on the Internet as of late, you’d know that Elon Muskrat bought Twitter (which cost more than solving world hunger, for some fucking reason). Everyone is already familiar with some of the Muskrat’s new ideas: banning impersonators, $8 checkmarks, and the new technicolor like button. Unbeknownst to the common pleb, however, Musk’s newest and bestest improvement comes in the form of a convention that he spent another 44 billion on. Now, instead of sucking Elon’s dick online, a few lucky cucks can suck his dick in person! We sent Squirrel reporter FakeName FunnyGuy to gather the inside scoop on this horrific historical event.
Of course, admission to this event costs $8 (+ tax). Many attendees threw even more money at Daddy Musk, with one man writing off a check for $24,000 and handing it directly to Musk’s secretary.
The three-day convention began with a day of training. The Musketeers went on those coin-operated horses that you ride on, funneling $69,888 in quarters directly into Musk’s pockets. Moaners were sorted from those who took the riding like a man, as the latter is the optimal man for Elon. The Moaners were removed from the convention and shot behind a dumpster. This went on for eight minutes, the time it reportedly takes for Elon to cum. Funnyguy was among these Moaners but escaped before the bullets could grace his skull.
Next came the Banquet, which prepared the Musketeers for the task of sucking Elon’s little Musk. Attendees dined on sausages, many of which were no bigger than a pig in a blanket. Following the first day’s precedent, Moaners and Chokers were hauled away to the dumpster. The Alpha Males™︎ who complained about the Banquet “being gay” were sent to the basement via a trapdoor underneath their seats. Funnyguy, a lover of aged meats, enjoyed this part very much.
Finally, on the third day of the convention, came the race. Musketeers ran through the convention hall racing to get to Father Musk first, who was waiting on the roof for his loyal followers. Musketeers pushed and shoved, many of them resorting to cartoon antics to get to their Lord and Savior first. Funnyguy was in the top 10% of racers, but only the top 8% got to engage in oral coitus with Musk. What a shame! Since their horrible defeat, Funnyguy has quit the Squirrel and now spends their days writing think pieces for the quill. Yuck!
LOYAL Squirrel reporters tried to reach out to these lucky men who played with Elon, but most declined to comment. Many refused to talk unless they were given eight whole dollars first. The Squirrel utilized most of their $20 budget getting these folks to actually talk, like a tired mother bargaining with their child to eat the fucking carrots.
“It was amazing,” said Wanye Kest, slurring his words and licking his fingers as he emerged from Musk’s room. (Editor’s Note: The Squirrel™︎ does not affiliate with Wanye Kest or his products following his extremely racist behavior online).
The Squirrel has learned that Musk will be holding these conventions twice every six months in order to make even more money in multiples of eight. The Squirrel understands the desperation of straight men who want to attend these events, so we’ve included a free ticket for entry to the next one! That’s right, we shelled out eight dollars for you. Use it wisely, lovely freaks, freakettes, and nonbinary nerds. Or just buy a checkmark from Tumblr, two for $7.99 deal.
