My Confession

[This article was discovered after it was slipped under the door of The Squirrel headquarters by a group of squirrels, who stole it from a crying music student outside of CCMA. Viewer discretion is advised.]

Hello, my name is [CENSORED], and I have been playing the clarinet for almost a decade. Almost a decade too long, if you ask me. Here is my confession. 

To start, whoever invented the clarinet must have been in association with SATAN. Who the fuck thought “Hey, what if we made a recorder, but with MORE holes AND you have to pay extra for pieces of wood to play them?” Sure, when you start off playing a squeaky, ratchet-ass version of Hot Cross Buns, it is actually kind of fun to play. But when you’re going from one note at the bottom of the staff to one at the very top in the matter of NANOSECONDS, it can be quite challenging.

Who THE FUCK decided to make them into a billion pieces?! Imagine you walk into band class (don’t imagine, actually, that’s a nightmare in itself) and everyone is ready to play, and you have to go through the bajillion steps of putting it together, putting LITERAL WOOD in your mouth (almost gagging on it) and having to squeak through playing C to get your instrument to even SOUND good. Also, WAY too many keys. I am already overstimulated with these IMPOSSIBLE rhythms, and now you expect me to have my fingers hit a billion keys in two seconds???

Why is sheet music a thing? Why couldn’t there be ANY easier way to tell me what note to play at the right time? Adding to that, can we PLEASE get rid of accidentals? I don’t care if the song IsN’T iN tHe RiGhT KeY or whatever. They just make playing an instrument more complicated than it already is. 

“But [CENSORED], maybe you should practice to become a better player!” Who on planet Earth would want to torture themselves by playing this insturment FOR FUN? 

There is NOTHING COOL about playing the clarinet. Guitar? Sure. Some people like country music and serenatation. Mostly basic white women, but regardless. Saxophone? You can play Careless Whisper for eternity. That is the NICEST thing I can say about you. Violin? Most angelic instrument ever. Except when you first start playing and it sounds like a dying cat. Trombone? WOMP WOMP at your haters. Trumpets? Nevermind. There is nothing good about the trumpet. Mayonnaise? Wait... 

Don’t even get me STARTED on band kids. Who decided that it was a good idea to put some of the most annoying, brainrotted people in the same room together? If I had a dollar for every time I saw a band kid either T-pose or Naruto run, I would be able to pay off my tuition. Also, why are some of them SO horny?! New PSA: Please stop having sex in the band room. Not only is that very unsanitary (there’s sweat and spit everywhere), but also very weird.

Lastly, for the love of God, PLEASE stop calling clarinet-players Squidward. We get it. He plays the clarinet. It was funny the first few times, but when it is EVERYONE, it gets annoying. Instead, you can relate us to other famous clarinet players, like…like…well, whatever. You get the jist.