Not Another Midlife Crisis!

By: A Concerned Bystander

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, a concerning amount of staff here at Susquehanna, particularly the professors, appear to be going through some sort of midlife crisis. Yes, I know, many of them are not middle aged, but maybe they just have That Kind of mentality, you know?

Of course, these problems could be helped through some type of intervention, but who actually cares enough about other people’s suffering to do that? I only started this list because I absolutely adore judging other people’s problems. Soooo, I will hereby be rating these desperate cries for help according to how iconic their attempt was. Success itself doesn’t matter in the face of memorability.

• Prez Green: 9/10. He pretends that he’s an old man for, like, clout I guess? I'm not sure why he pretends to be like 20 years older than he is but it’s just screaming “help” to me. It works somehow, though, and we love a successful scheme.

• Dr. Roth: 4/10. BRIEFLY 9/10. He wears jeans, sneakers, and a suit jacket to class all the time. Business on the top, party on the bottom, says Roth. The vibes just don’t hit right. However, Roth has shown signs of loving life again! How wonderful! By that I mean, of course, he stopped this ridiculousness for a week or so, but is unfortunately back to his old ways. Extra points for the rehabilitation.

• Dr. Robertson: 3/10. He acts like freshmen are too young to know things from pop culture while simultaneously acting like they should know everything. We know what Star Wars is, dude, I promise you don’t have to worry about that. It’s kinda funny to pretend not to know things around him though.

• Rev. Kershner: 1/10. That desperate grab for attention with those emails to every single student without a religious affiliation on campus was not cute. Maybe people aren’t going to Weber enough to live up to his godly standards, but still: uncalled for to try to convert people. I will willingly go to hell just so I don’t have to get another email asking me to go to church.

• Any professor on yikyak: 4/10. The only thing students post about there is being horny and hating campus. Why would you willingly look at that? Please leave <3. Some points though because maybe they're just lonely.

• Dining service employees: 6/10. I don’t even think I need to say anything about them. You can feel the anguish radiating off their beings like the Chernobyl elephant’s foot. HELP THEM.

• Professors learning gen z slang: 10/10. This one could go either way because maybe they want to communicate more effectively with us youngsters, but also? Keep to your own generation. I can and will make up words just so you won’t know what I'm saying to you. Full points because you remind me of my mom.

• Benny the River Hawk: 8/10. Through a tragic and deadly takeover, Benny has forced the Susquehanna campus to rename yet another area after him. This clearly indicates he’s going through something we shouldn’t touch. However, it does show icon behavior

• Dr. Stark: 4/10. He sends a worrying amount of emails to us with, like, no academic information in them. It’s like he has nobody his own age to talk to. I’m genuinely worried for this man and his mental health.

• Dr. Tom: 1/10. Why is she so nosy all the time? Why are her emails so long? Why does she act like her funny bone was surgically removed at birth? Was it? All questions you should be asking her but who actually wants to ask her anything.

• Dr. Bodinger: 10/10. He adopted a FUCKING SQUIRREL.

• Dr. O: 3/10. Why are you telling people not to follow their greatest dream of being a business major? Is it because you’re unfulfilled in life and regret every decision that led you to your current lifestyle and wish you had made a crucial decision earlier in life that would have potentially made you happier and healthier? Thought so.

• Prof. Cox: 8/10. I, too, love nighttime. However, why do you have to be so GODDAMN peppy all the time?? I’m trying to fulfill my chill girl aesthetic of sitting in silence and pretending to pay attention and I can’t do that with you bouncing around affecting the vibe. Lay off the coffee or other substances.

• Dr. Robertson, again: 3/10. Similarly to how he seemingly refuses to pick up a copy of The Squirrel, Robertson flat out refuses to respond to his emails. We all wish we could be him. Jesus christ dude can you just answer me I really need this assignment graded please it’s been so long. (If you read this, please email us. We miss your dogs)

Wow, this was sad. I have no closing wisdom to impart, except maybe check on your professors. They are STRUGGLING and this list is only a few of the many ways their pain is visible. Might I suggest ending all your emails to them with the CAPS information? Well, except for Robertson, obviously. He would never see it.