Operation WCOFUSMT
By Malaika Olaoye
Since the mass extinction event fifty years ago, in the winter break between Fall 2021 and Spring 2022, things have really been in the shitter. Susquehanna University’s Administration has been working really hard to solve the oxygen crisis. It turns out if corporations use the earth and its resources unsustainably, it will have negative consequences for the future; who would have thought?
Susquehanna University, in secret, formed a team of scientists many years ago in order to solve the oxygen crisis, calling their project, Operation We Can Only Fuck Up So Many Times (or WCOFUSMT for short). Finally, after half a century of suffering and millions of dollars of student tuition spent, Dr. Ellen Tusk and her team has had a major breakthrough that could solve the oxygen crisis and decrease carbon emission (an added bonus!), and will be discussing more about it in an upcoming event at the beginning of next semester. (Details to follow, if we all live long enough.)
The Squirrel’s privy to some of the more secretive details due to our status as the only on-campus newspaper of quality. We were allowed to give a short preview to those in the student body interested in the major breakthrough that could prevent more worldwide ecological devastation, so pretty much all seven Environmental Science majors.
Dr. Tusk and her team of researchers have engineered a new piece of machinery that is capable of reversing the oxygen crisis if we gave the blueprints to the rest of the world. You may be wondering though, why on earth would you give out a lifesaving product if you can benefit directly from it? You’re not the only one who thinks that; President Jonathan Green, on behalf of Susquehanna University, would agree with you. Ever since they placed his brain in that cyborg twenty years ago, he’s been especially ruthless. Very girlboss of him!
A reporter from The Squirrel had an impromptu interview with Jonathan Green, who had a jar with a brain in it for a head, after the announcement from Dr. Tusk in the line for weekly provisions of bread and hygiene products. The googly eyes glued onto his brain matter didn’t move as he raged, saying that “Children in Africa don't deserve to breathe clean air if they can’t afford it!” as the speaker in his chest cavity gave off feedback. What an absolute king!
