Putting the Camp in Campus

By: Anonymous Drag Queen

I’m sure you, like me, have looked at many campuses. I love a good aesthetic. I also personally think Susquehanna’s campus is very pretty (when the grass is green or it’s peak summer/fall weather). But don’t you wish sometimes the campus had more? I’m talking camp. Ridiculousness out the wazoo. If you’re confused, which you probably are, here are some of my suggestions to make this campus impossible to ignore (wink).

1. Benny in Drag: LIVINGGG for the idea of Benny prancing the main stage (admissions event) in the campiest getup known to man (bedazzled logo). Dragged DOWN. Mugged DOWN. Walking that fucking duck so hard students won’t remember what bird their mascot is. Facecard won’t decline. Envision it. 
   

2. Ellen’s Stardust Dining Hall: We’ve all seen the videos of the waiters standing on counters and just belting theatre songs. So why not glamorize our bland dining hall into a one-of-a-kind experience? To make it even more camp, I say we hire people with the worst singing voices ever. Nothing is more camp than a bad performance done on purpose. Even better, let’s get them on roller skates. Also going to drive the music school up a wall by not employing them and by singing a half step off the original key. Xoxo

3. Bathroom Shrines: I’m quite shocked I haven’t seen a shrine of Danny Devito or Chappell Roan in a bathroom during my time here at Susquehanna. The high school bathroom shrines were other worldly and I wish I could witness one in person. Nothing like seeing someone blow vape smoke at a mini cardboard cutout of Danny Devito sitting in an area of the bathroom that resembles the back rooms. 

4. A Fucking Vampire: The campiest creatures ever. Give me a random ass vampire on this campus. Better yet, let ME become the vampire and live out my childhood dream. Just imagine a fucking vampire walking around. Even better, get that bitch on a hoverboard in a really long cloak. I feel like there’s no need to elaborate any further!

5. Dunkin’: Fuck Starbucks! Replace it with the campiest fast food coffee place, bestie Dunkin’! Pink and orange brand colors? That’s camp. Their sickeningly sweet flavored syrups? Camp. The workers must be assholes. They must make shitty coffee. My bacon egg and cheese sandwiches should only have one flimsy strip of bacon on them. The vampire frequents and gets a latte, which they shouldn’t be having because they’re a fucking vampire, but the queasy aftermath is equivalent to a regular human’s visit so why not? The atmosphere of a Dunkin’ Donuts is so special to me and deserves a spot on this campus over a Starbucks. Let’s support businesses that don’t support the IDF <3.