There is Literally a Monster in the Lake

Dear Francine St. Francis,

My son Bryan was scrolling on his little digital device before his screen time for the day ended, and I couldn’t help but notice a Facebook chain that has become quite popular in the town forum. Specifically the one claiming that something in the lake is taking neighborhood pets.

Let me be honest… There literally is a monster in our lake. I see her every morning on my ingredient walk. In fact, she keeps stealing the exact things I am foraging for. What could this creature possibly need elderberries for? I need them so Bryan doesn’t depend on those evil factory snacks from the grocery. I have been tempted to use her for my home cooked meals! She looks enough like a squid for calamari.

Her whole thing is stealing neighborhood pets, but I’m not actually sure she is truly stealing them. Bryan and I got to keep Sparky, our adopted Morkshie (Maltese and Yorkshire Terrier), when my sorry excuse for a wife left. We do not miss you, Brynn. I always wanted a purebred poodle, so when Sparky vanished I actually did not care. That was until I found him dragging his food bowl towards the lake. How dare he! It was sterling silver and I was saving it for my future poodle. I think he’s moving into the lake, and I do not mind. I just wish he would reimburse me for the past few years.

In conclusion, I’m afraid that this creature is taking advantage of the fact that people do not think she is real. She seems to be housing our lost pets and using our town resources, which I do not appreciate. I do not pay good money to live here just so this no good squid-looking bastard can take advantage of us. I order you to evict her immediately. Won’t you think of the children?

Sincerely,

Brandy Broberts