REPUBLICANS ARE SHAKING IN FEAR OF DARK BRANDON, AS THEY SHOULD

By Malaika Olaoye

Republicans are shitting, vomiting, and throwing up after the most recent speech from President Joe Biden. Rather than the dawdling fool they're used to on stage, drooling a little bit, we saw a very different side of the president.

Ben Shapiro, conservative commentator and beloved fan of the publication, described the experience in an exclusive in-person interview with the Squirrel. “Three minutes into the speech, [Biden] was talking about how MAGA Republicans don’t like democracy—something like that—when all of a sudden, the background behind him turned red with the blood of Republicans." Ben took a moment to catch his breath as sweat trickled down his pale forehead. "Then, out of nowhere, he started to list out some numbers. '1… 8… 5… 8….'" The man recalls the rest of the numbers, seemingly random to The Squirrel, before choking out that they were his social security number, which was certainly surprising to hear.

When the conservative asked his other "friends," they confirmed their own similar experiences. Matt Gaetz, Member of the Florida House of Representatives, told this to Jordan Peterson's daughter Mikhaila Peterson, who whispered it to her father over dinner, who told Dennis Prager of Prager University, who told his third wife, who gossips with Virginia “Ginni” Thomas, who told her husband and justice of the Supreme Court Clarence Thomas, whose conversation was overheard by one of his clerks, who let it slip to Ben Shapiro, who eventually told The Squirrel. Not only was Gaetz still upset that his first Twitch stream only received six views, but Joe spilled some tea. Fifteen minutes into the livestream for Matt Gaetz, Joe Biden listed out a date, time, and location. December 15, 2018, 17:38 in the back of a white van parked outside of an abandoned Kmart. That was, allegedly, the same exact time and location Gaetz snorted crack out of an underaged "sex worker's" hands like he was on Epstein’s Island. Other conservatives like Candance Owens, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Walsh, and Amy Coney Barrett have admitted to Ben Shapiro that Biden has iterated their personal information during the livestream even though no one else noticed. Joe was cupping their balls in his hands!

"Sleepy Joe isn't as sleepy as we once thought," Ben shook his head as his eyes darted around the venue like he expected Joe to sneak out from behind. "Dark Brandon is upon us," he whispered before showing the Squirrel a screenshot of President Joe Biden, and it shook us to our core. Biden looked similar. Same white hair and same wrinkles, but instead of his normal vacant blue eyes, they glowed a bright, strong American red.

The Squirrel couldn't help but nod in agreement; Dark Brandon is truly upon us.

Important Note: Don’t worry, libs. The Squirrel intends to put Ben Shapiro's social security number to good use.