Res Life Employs New Hiring Practices

BY: Sophia Congdon

Recently, there have been multiple sightings of even more mysterious than usual figures hanging around the campus graveyard. While our reporters initially assumed that it was normal college shenanigans, there is now evidence to believe that the figures have a much more sinister motive.

After conducting a very serious, journalistic-integrity-filled investigation, The Squirrel has discovered that the Office of Residence Life has been harvesting dead bodies from the cemetery and reanimating them. (Giving “running your staff into the ground” a new meaning.)

This Frankenstein-level fuckery is due to an extreme labor shortage. Whether said shortage is due to grotesque mismanagement, increased levels of wage theft, or is simply a new part of SU 2.0 that no one understands is unclear.

When questioned about the mysterious disappearance of literally all of the living professional staff members, Unofficial (and therefore unpaid) Head of Res Life Devonne Tourre replied with “What? No! There’s nothing wrong! Everything is going fine! We’re just a little short staffed is all,” before breaking down into heart-wrenching sobs. Our reporters were unable to interview any other living Res Life staff, as no one else works there.

While it has been a long-standing joke that RAs are soulless creatures, Res Life seems to have taken “dead inside” to a whole new level. After digging up the needed number of dead bodies, Administration has been spotted taking them to the basement of the Natural Sciences Center for reanimation. Unfortunately, this process is repeated on a weekly basis as more and more RAs are coming to their senses and quitting.

While we were able to interview one of the Undead RAs, we could not find a Zombie translator in time for this publication. However, several of their grunts sounded suspiciously like “Please for the love of god, pull up your mask.” How Res Life is training their new staff members remains a mystery, though it can be assumed that a certain level of brainwashing, or more accurately, brain eating, is involved. Regardless of whether or not you suspect that your RA is undead, it would be wise to err on the side of caution, lest they rip you limb from limb.