Screw This: A Day in the Life

By: Screwsmith McScrewsome Sr.

Prologue

As a 10mm, 5 day old, wild, wiggly screwworm I feel entitled to introduce myself to the hosts of me and my friends: human Americans. Us screwworms are a species of parasitic fly that bury into wounds. And today, we rekindle after 60 years.

I find my story to only be appropriate through a simple-minded, day-in-a-life format. Feel free to follow along with your pointer finger if necessary.

3:30am

I stretch my phallic body alive and inch my way around the spleen of a bull. The bull passed away four days ago and if my friends and I don’t find another home, we will join him. Despite our deep concern, we continue to wiggle.

4:00am

We begin to feel the bull's body move as if he is being lifted. Many of us have our theories as to what could be happening. Some say we are facing our doom and some believe we are about to witness the divine.

5:00am

It is all clear now. An older man bites, face first, into the bull. No one hesitates to jump at the opportunity in front of us.

5:30am

As I sit in the old man’s brain, I am made aware of the urban environment the other kinds of parasites who reside there have made. It feels like home, like I belong here.

6:00am

I find my way to his eyeball and can see everything the man is seeing. I watch as he moves a shaky pen across a piece of paper. It seems as though he is practicing his signature.

9:00am

I gnaw on Bobby's flesh as he reprimands his own human kind. I have fun doing this.

10:30am

He gives handshakes and some of my parasite comrades jump from one host to the other. We wish each other well.

12:00pm

New worms emerge into the body during lunch. They’re from Bobby’s neighbors: two chihuahuas and an iguana.

2:00pm

A cluster of worms rally in disgust. They were tricked into thinking they were going to meet the members of the hype house, not the white house. The rally takes place in Bobby’s pancreas.

4:00pm 

Bobby sniffs apple scented yankee candles for an hour.

6:00pm

Us worms have social hour during the president's dinner event with the cabinet. We listen to Yummy by Justin Bieber as we exchange bites of each other’s hosts. I nibble JD Vance. Sour.

8:00pm

Bobby does crack to focus on phone calls. Us worms are left devastated and fearful for our health.

Total Casualties:

34 injured

7 dead

98 cracked out

10:00pm

I tweak.

2:00am

The parasites wind down for the night, excited to see what tomorrow brings. Bobby doesn’t sleep. Ever. 

From his bottom bunk he talks up to Pete Hegseth about ideas of arming Americans against autistic children who play baseball.

Haha classic Bobby. Sweet dreams everyone.