So You Think You Can Be a Dictator?

By: DJT's black spot

Did your dictator suddenly and mysteriously die while at work? Do you want to brush up on your shitty makeup skills? Then you should check out the hot new competition show, America’s Next Top Dictator. At ANTD, contestants (everyone’s least favorite old white men) will learn everything there is to know about what it takes to be the next new hotshot running the country. As a fun sneak peek, here are some of the competitions you will see in the show.

1. Newstation Takedown: Contestants are given news networks that don’t align with their views and are tasked with infiltrating and eventually censoring all of their media! Some past contestants are known for shutting down libraries and encouraging fun little groups, like Moms For Liberty, to try and ban books in schools. Some other examples of this are late night show hosts! Dictators don’t like it when news outlets and tv show hosts are outspoken against them so it’s important that we swiftly pull these radicals from the air. It’s important to crush these people down and limit their so-called “free speech.”

2. The Paperwork Shuffle: Contestants will be tasked with coming up with ways to deflect away from scandal by conveniently staging other huge events, like an assassination! Our former dictator was fantastic at this as he conveniently deflected from releasing the Epstein files by releasing other files that aren’t as important to our country, like the Amelia Earhart files and JFK files. You get a file released, you get a file released, everyone gets a file released! Dictators can be defined by their scandals so the better you are at pretending they never happened, the happier everyone in the country will be. You just so happened to be great friends with a notable pedophile, deflect and talk about how the last member of the (formerly) democratic process apparently fucked up our economy.

3. Empty Promises: Contestants will be tasked with being able to smoothly talk their way out of things by giving speeches and delivering false promises to the hopeful working class of our beautiful country. Promise people that you will lower their grocery prices and they will come to worship at your feet. We also promise that we won’t gerrymander any states to conveniently help our lovely dictator in any way. If you want more votes for yourself, rig elections the way god intended. 

4. Dictator Up-Dos: We all know you may feel truly evil in your core, but can you look outwardly evil? This final challenge will truly push contestants to come out of their comfort zone and allow them to become the beautiful dictator they are on the inside. The best dictator is one completely covered in makeup to hide the fact that they are slowly rotting away, festering, and dying. 

The best part about the whole show is, you can vote at home! The voting is in no way rigged and everyone has a fair and equal chance no matter who they are. We pinky promise that there will be no tampering from third-party sources named after a certain letter in the alphabet or our dictator’s former situationship. 

Also as a fun little surprise at the end of the show, everyone’s favorite former dictator will be there! Just ignore the dark sunglasses on his face and the fishing wire we used to make him look livelier, he’s just resting. 

Stay tuned to find out if these Queens have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Dictator!