St. Patrick’s Day Meal Issues Cause Riot at S.U.
By: Salt Gang
Selinsgrove, P.A. - Kevin Hamilton, Susquehanna University’s General Manager of Dining Services, has just announced that he will be leaving his position effective immediately following a recent leprechaun-themed controversy.
Regulars at the Evert Dining Room were shocked to find that the festive St. Patrick’s Day coloration of their hamburger buns and mystery fish was not, in fact, planned by Dining Services. Commotion erupted throughout the cafeteria as students and staff alike realized the horrific truth: their food was absolutely covered in mold. Aside from the ensuing riot that killed two dining services employees and critically injured four others, there were no serious casualties.
The afflicted students then ran to The Hawk Hub, asked for the location of Kevin Hamilton’s office, and resumed their vengeful rampage, banging on his office door to demand an answer. He managed to escape out a nearby window and has remained in hiding until giving this exclusive interview with The Squirrel.
“No, of course I’m not mad at the students,” Hamilton said. “Aramark has never given a shit about anyone, did y’all not see that gigantic management lawsuit against them? We made them pay out $15.5 million because they refused to pay the bonuses in management contracts, fuck those guys”.
As a timer went off, Hamilton briefly excused himself to his kitchen, returning with two plates of steaming hot Mozzarella En Carrozza. “Sorry about that,” he said. “With a last name like Martino I assumed you’re probably Italian? Your complexion is telling me Naples, ho ragione? Well, enjoy regardless” It was fantastic, just like my nonna’s.
“Did you know I got my master’s in supply chain management?” He asked, offering a glass of Vermentino (which The Squirrel politely declined). “I mean, you see all the signs outside stores and restaurants complaining about supply chain issues. With my education I could go anywhere in the country. I was going to wait until the end of the year, but I know my worth. Aramark is a dogshit company, S.U. is a dogshit school. If the students want to blame me and not them, I could care less. After today, though, I’m out.”
Throughout the next two hours, The Squirrel has been able to independently confirm that Kevin Hamilton does know how to cook a solid meal, and is an incredible host. Aramark just sucks ass.
According to Hamilton’s public LinkedIn page, he has recently described himself as “open to work” and “casually browsing”.
