SU Catches a Case of Kidnappings

By: SOPHIA CONGDON

SUSQUEHANNA UNIVERSITY- Recently, dozens of students have been reported missing, taken from their beds in the middle of the night. Roommates and suitemates across campus have reported waking up to an empty room. One such student reported that, “I woke up in the middle of the night to a scratching at the window. My roommate told me to check it out, but when I turned around to tell her that no one was there, she was already gone.”

We reached out to Residence Life for a statement, and while they refused to comment on the missing students, they did assert that they were working their hardest to ensure campus safety. “We’re doing our best to keep our students healthy and happy!” claimed Upper Campus Director Natalie Sowers, flinching as the muffled screams from inside her office rose in volume. “There’s nothing we won’t do to save this semester! Absolutely nothing.” Whether or not they have ‘saved this semester’ remains to be seen.

However, in regards to the missing students, several local citizens have reported seeing large white mini-vans with the SU logo coming and going from the local Holiday Inn. Upon further investigation, our reporters found mysteriously bloody handprints on the hotel windows and mysteriously large padlocks on the room doors. Loud sobbing could be heard from the lobby, but we were escorted off the premises before any further investigating could take place.