SU Financial Crisis Leads to Christmas Violence

BY: YUH

Selinsgrove, PA— With the holiday season rapidly approaching, Susquehanna University appears to be frantically scrounging up any loose change they can find in order to make it through the end of the semester. Desperate for new ways to make money after wasting it all on the public safety rebrand, one can only assume they’ve been saying yes to every idea pitched to them—what other explanation could there be for the university’s president Jonathan D. Green in a full santa suit (with hat and appropriately colored bow tie included) in the Selinsgrove mall?

Reports say that President Green was setting up his chair before workers had even finished tearing down the Spirit Halloween signs behind him. Nearby store employees tell us they watched as he put a red blanket over a metal foldable chair, threw stuffing haphazardly on the ground to look like snow, and slapped what looked to be used gift bows on crushed amazon boxes arranged around himself. The set up, it seems, was a one-man effort.

A sign was added to his display shortly after he had finished decorating, advertising for children to sit on Santa’s lap and take pictures for the very reasonable and definitely not outrageous cost of $50 per minute spent with Santa and an extra $25 for every picture taken. It is unknown who the first parent to take the leap and sign their child up for time with President Claus was, but the experiences since he began to have visitors have certainly been... interesting. One middle school aged boy, clearly being forced into the excursion by his mother, grumpily told Santa he wanted money for Christmas, and President Green responded by promptly bursting into tears. Several parents have complained that, since visiting Santa, they have begun to receive an outrageous amount of recruitment emails from Susquehanna University.

A concerned mother reached out to The Squirrel to inform us of the disturbing events that occurred when she brought her daughter to take pictures with Santa Claus. Her six year old was practically skipping as they entered the mall, dressed in her Sunday best and filled to the brim with excitement. Seeing as Christmas is her favorite holiday, she was ecstatic to be able to visit Santa. Santa, evidently, was not as happy to see her.

We’re told that, when asked what she wanted for Christmas, she began to count off a long list of her preferred gifts. She was only stopped when she mentioned wanting to be president of the United States. President Green grabbed her by the shoulders and started screaming senselessly as he shook her violently. Her mother described the frenzied state he was in as he shouted things like “OH IS THAT ALL YOU WANT, HUH?! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?! WE CAN’T ALL GET WHAT WE WANT, CAN WE?! I HAD DREAMS TOO, YOU KNOW?! HOW ‘BOUT YOU TAKE OVER, WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?! WOULD YOU?!” We are told he then ripped off his Christmas bowtie and threw it at the little girl’s head. Luckily, she was quickly removed from the situation by her mother and a concerned crowd of onlookers as President Green continued to beg for her to schedule a tour of the campus. We expect the university will be receiving therapy bills in the future. It’s safe to say President Claus hasn’t had much business since.

An anonymous source from Susquehanna’s administration was quoted just a week after the Santa plan had launched, saying: “Yeah, we’re really hoping this works because we spent the last of our money on the suit.” We here at The Squirrel wish this source well in these trying times. As for President Green, we’ve been informed that after a rageful viewing of The Santa Clause starring Tim Allen he has begun to formulate a new plan on how to acquire some goodies for the university, as well as a willing workforce. We were also told that he has recently purchased a gun. The two pieces of information are unrelated, we’re sure.

This photo was taken mere minutes before the harrowing events at Selinsgrove Mall.