SU Students Spread More Than Kindness… and COVID.
By: JULIE HEANEY
AIKENS HALL, SUSQUEHANNA UNIVERSITY - This corona season, Aikens North side hall is following SU ResLife protocol by keepin’ it in the family. As per policy, residents are only allowed to have guests in their dorms from the same building at a 1:1 ratio. As Aikens is limited to only two floors of around 20 students each, shit’s gone wild.
Some Aikens residents have found a way to restrict their Tinder radius to the residence hall itself. Because of the resulting loud banging and slapping sounds bouncing off of the dorm walls and into the night, Aikens’ RAs have taken extreme caution by providing free condoms for residents in place of the disposable masks of the Sanitation Stations. The supply of condoms usually runs out minutes after it’s been replenished, and the wild sex fiends of Aikens are forced to scavenge for protection. In most cases, caution comes too little too late.
“I definitely have felt, uh… itching and burning down there recently,” admits resident Fern Mcflirtyson, who I caught searching for antibiotics to spend her flex on at the SU bookstore, “But I know for sure I don’t have COVID.”
In addition to the wastewater tests done for each septic system on campus for COVID-19, President Jonathan Green has now issued mandatory STD tests for the wastewater of the Aikens building. Residents are advised to closely monitor their health for symptoms of The Clap and various other STDs. ResLife is pushing its RAs to encourage mask and condom wearing at all times, whatever that means. When asked to clarify, they refused to comment.
When I reached out to the building’s RAs for their thoughts, I found ResLife had barred them from any interviews. However, last Friday I was in Aikens for more investigation and heard crying sounds coming from the women’s bathroom. I wish I could say what I saw was shocking, or even an isolated incident.
Crumpled on the dingy floor, body wracking with sobs was RA Sophia Congdon. She seemed to be in the middle of taping posters to the bathroom stall doors that said “No glove, no love,” and, “No mask, no ass.” Disturbed by the intensity of her emotions, I ran out of Aikens as fast as I could, but not without grabbing a bottle of cranberry juice from the vending machine.
