Support small businesses

Are you a poor, brainless dimwit that shops at large mega-corporations because you “have no money” and “have student loans?” Did you know that makes you an asshole? Not only are you supporting the greedy and exploitative system that is capitalism, but also giving money away to large corporations whose CEO’s dump thousands of dollars on nepo-baby universities (screw you, Bucknell). 

Below are some advertisements of my personal fav and not at all sketchy small businesses that even you, a poor, deg-eating, experienced booze ass kisser) can afford.

Mackenzleigh’s French Tip

If there's one thing that college gives you other than an impending sense of dread and abnormal bowel movements from the food, it is a nail technician license. Ask any girl in your hall for some acetone and she will take you under her wing, claiming she, “used to do everyone's nails back home.” Although in that three hour long session, she failed to mention that she in fact lived on a farm in butt fuck nowhere Ohio and her “clients” were the pigs and her emotionally absent mother.

So why not give her a chance? Not only do you get a cute new set, as the girlies say, but you never know, she might accidentally graze her hand against yours, leaving you to impulsively book an appointment with her next month just for the chance at feeling that electric touch once more. I mean who really cares if you wake up with a fungal infection the next day because at least your soul sister Mackenzleigh from Alpha Omega Gamma Lama Pi gave you a friend’s discount. It's a bonding experience and you’re horrible for wanting to deprive her of her dreams, you sick monster.

Rice After Hours

I know that I’m also guilty of spending too much money on food that is literally anything but Deg, but at this point, SU students are single handedly keeping the Seilnesgrove Sheetz open.

I mean, the five or so dollars you spend to forget the past four hours of your life are only going to support a $14 billion corporation that doesn’t even care enough to give you more than three. fucking. potstickers.

Speaking purely hypothetically, there is nothing that goes better with drunken mistakes and hardening sweat than a hot bowl of fried rice. So instead of taking that hazy five minute drive to Sheetz (because I know you drunk mother fuckers didn’t assign a dd), mosey your way on over to frat row around a respectable 12:40 a.m. to receive your fill; because you drunk fucks need the exercise anyway.

The Back Alley Barber

Inflation may be crazy nowadays, but so is that half-assed DIY hairjob you have on the top of your head. Everything may be overpriced but that is no excuse to not take care of yourself you slob. Now due to our generation’s crippling anxiety and lack of self esteem, the last thing we want to do is call ahead to make an appointment somewhere. This is even more reason to go support my- I mean your community’s local barbershop. There is no need to make an appointment as we are open during the hours of now till then. To find one in your area, all you need to do is walk alone to your nearest alley and make a right just past the smell of fresh urine and utter regret.

This business practice is perfect for those who hate the awkward small talk with the barber because your mouth will be taped over for a more relaxing experience. Do you also profusely sweat at the mere thought of making eye contact with someone? No problemo! Blindfolds will be provided at the back of Smith Hall for your personal convenience. Come and support us today, we will be waiting. 

Serious inquiries only.