Susquehanna Addresses Student WiFi Concerns

By Zach Slusser

The IT Dungeon, Seibert Hall

Student outcry at the condition of the school’s Internet connectivity has peaked recently, with prospective web-surfers having reported frequent disconnections, fluctuating speeds, and Netflix episodes that resemble PowerPoint presentations. In direct response to these claims, the IT department has offered the following message:

“Shut the fuck up and go outside you massive nerds.”

We reached out to the department for further clarification.

One IT staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, provided the following elaboration. “Yeah, we said what we said. Stop bitching about your Internet speeds and go outside. You complained for a year and a half that you wanted to go out and do things, so go do them. We wouldn’t be running into these issues if everyone wasn’t using it all the time.”

Other reports from around campus indicate that the entire department also seems to have become less hesitant to express similar levels of disdain. “I called IT because I needed to replace the access point in my house, and when they showed up an hour later, I opened my door and some dude just spit in my face, flipped me off, and then walked away,” said one student. Another claimed that an IT technician threw a broken projector out of the third floor of Apfelbaum Hall, huffing out that “It’ll get back to the office quicker than I can.”

Whether or not literally anything will be done about these problems is yet to be seen. The Squirrel will continue to follow this story once we connect to the fucking WiFi.