THE Cabinet Picks

Hey team, how we feeling? I for one, have been bad. Oh so very bad. Yeah, things SUCK right now. I don’t know who said we were so back, but they lied fr. 

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I mean, we’ve got options! Here’s some suggestions for who could be in the cabinet next time around. We need the best and the brightest on the job, regardless of any political affiliations.

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Secretary of State: For this role, there’s been some names floating around for a while. Some have mentioned Sam the Eagle from The Muppets or Snooki, or perhaps Snoop Dogg. They’ve all been in the political scene for a while; I think a fresh face would be ideal here. We host a Secretary of State look-alike contest and decide who looks like they’d do the best job. 

Secretary of Treasury: We need someone good at math, like Matt Damon’s character from Good Will Hunting or Lexie from Ant Farm. He’s been suggested, but The Monopoly Man would never get congressional approval. I’m leaning more towards a Batman type. 

Secretary of Defense: The obvious pick here is Maximus, the horse from Tangled. He’s an accomplished leader, well respected by his peers, and an incredibly efficient worker. If he’s too busy, perhaps Paul Blart, Mall Cop, or Kevin from Home Alone could do the job. 

Attorney General: This was a difficult choice; however, no one can deny the expertise of Bridget Mendler. 

Secretary of the Interior: Gritty.

Secretary of Agriculture: I’m thinking about four to six squirrels could handle this job. Any less and they’ll get sick from the stress, but any more and they’ll start fighting and fail to make progress.

Secretary of Commerce: Probably one of those grizzled Big Business™ Hallmark characters, before they learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Secretary of Labor: Kim Kardashian, with a rising call to action: “Get your fucking ass up and work.”

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Either Dr. Christina Yang from Grey’s Anatomy or Bill Nye would be good.

Secretary of Transportation: First guy who comes to mind is Tom Hanks’ Character from The Polar Express. He’s been a long time advocate for the high speed rail and understands the perspective of the average American who works in the field. If he’s unavailable, we could always just keep Pete Buttigieg. Seems like he’s been doing alright. 

Secretary of Energy: Mr. Electric from Sharkboy and Lavagirl has shown an aptitude for this area in the past. There’s also always the solar panel sheep. Y’know, it’d be pretty great if we could get Pikachu…

Secretary of Education: Ava from Abbott Elementary has really been building her skills to take on a larger role. If we can’t afford her, someone with teaching experience like Miss Honey or Philomena Cunk would work. 

Secretary of Homeland Security: The Statue of Liberty. She’s always been there for us.  

Director of National Intelligence: Sue Sylvester.

UN Ambassador: It’s Pitbull. Duh. He’s literally Mr. Worldwide.

Chief of Staff: Velma Dinkley or Karl the Intern from Phineas and Ferb.

Am I missing anything? Uh, Department of Government Efficiency, or whatever it’s called, let’s get Marie Kondo to head that one. Does this government spending spark joy? Ooh! And maybe we can get Ayo Edebiri to be the Ambassador to Ireland… Fuck it, Voice judge appointed to the supreme court.