The Future is Bleak: Insights on the 2056 election
By: MacKensaileighlee Adalaydiya Stephens
At least twenty Americans tuned in last night to watch the primary debate as the Democratic Party attempted to determine which candidate will be on the ballot come November. The debate’s moderator– a holograph of former President Abraham Lincoln– was responsible for reading out the questions which were selected from a Reddit AMA created specifically for the debate.
The first question went to Mason Ramsey, best known as the Yodel Kid, who is relatively new to the political scene. Many have criticized him for marketing his entire campaign with nostalgia, banking on his childhood fame in order to get ahead in the polls. This is most notable in his recent campaign ad in which he yodels our national anthem (Yodel-e-oh say can you see) in a Fergie-esc display of patriotism. His question focused on how his history with the major corporation “Walmart” would affect his decisions while in office. Ramsey answered charismatically, stating that he intended to have no bias towards the chain, although he is grateful for the platform that it provided him.
X Æ a xii (pronounced “Michael”) Musk’s question came next. He has received the most attention from the media because of his father Elon Musk, the founder of the Muskratic party and the opposing candidate to whoever wins the nomination. X made the choice to run against his father and quickly gained the spotlight of the election. When asked for a quote about his son’s candidacy, Musk responded: “Jeez, who named that poor bastard?” seemingly unaware that this was his own child. X Æ a xii was briefly questioned about his relationship to his father and how that would impact his campaign, but there were much more pressing matters to be brought up. Lincoln asked what X Æ a xii thought about the age-old question which had resurfaced once again Twitter dot com last week: gay son or thot daughter? X responded with his honest opinion, but his selection alienated him from half of the voting population. Still, the election seems to be leaning in his favor. Americans are incredibly invested in the Thot Daughter vs. Gay Son fight that will arise this November providing X is nominated.
Bernie “Bot” Sanders, recently underwent yet another experimental surgery, making his body roughly 81% metal. When questioned about his choice to modify his body so intensely Sanders stated that he “needed to be alive to see change”. This September the senator will officially turn 115 years old. Bernie has been unsuccessfully running for office since 2016 and has continued to attempt to claim the presidency every election since. Concerns about his age have been raised from the beginning, but they have only become more prevalent as the man continues to age year after year. At one point during the questioning Bernie-bot broke out into the closest thing to tears he is capable of (having oil leak from his eyes), as he pleaded with the public to make any form of improvement to their country. He is quoted saying: “America needs a fresh voice in politics, someone to represent the youth. For the love of god, I can’t lose again.”
The final contender for the nomination is North West who, if successful, could be the first woman president. Musk and his supporters have raised the question “is our country really ready for that?” West was forced to address this question by Holo-Lincoln early on. Unfortunately her answers were all cut off by the frequent commercial breaks throughout the debate. During these pauses, the campaign ads for Elon Musk and promotionals for the next season of Keeping Up with the Kardasians were shown. One can only hope the things that North Westhad to say were well articulated and nuanced, but America may never know what was said during those twelve minute increment breaks of air time.
Lincoln went on to ask questions more generally around policy, but it was not too shortly after that the debate ran out of time and the channel switched to show a rerun ofThe Big Bang Theory.
