The New Year’s Resolution: A New Concept
By Malaika Olaoye
With the New Year fast approaching, it’s a great time for people to start anew. I have come up with a BRAND NEW concept you all might be interested in. You may find yourself wanting to get the things done that you failed at previously, set new objectives, and create unrealistic expectations that will never be satiated.
I have come up with a concept (combining all these ideas) that will make you see the end of the year in a new light: the New Year’s Resolution. For those of you that don’t know, a resolution is, according to Google, “a firm decision to do or not to do something.” Fascinating, I know. And it sounds way cooler than “goal.” What a plain, one syllable word. “Resolution” has, like, three times that amount!
Not only would my proposed New Year’s Resolutions be beneficial to the everyday consumer, but it also allows us to profit off of and exploit their weaknesses. For example, a yearly gym membership that they'll never use in hopes of losing weight because we shame people into thinking diet culture is the answer to all their problems. Or, they can delude themselves into believing that it's possible to actually get that job promotion if they just work hard enough and put in enough hours. Jokes on them for thinking we live in a meritocracy!
Um, what was I saying, before my … Joker moment? Oh, yeah … new things can be terrifying, so let me give you all a few starting points:
Spend less money on Amazon Prime. A cent or two will do.
Decrease the number of words you say everyday by three words exactly. It will take commitment.
Wear longer socks while you try to work off those cankles. If you work them off.
Join The Squirrel and contribute at least two brain cells.
Consider drinking less, don’t actually do it tho cuz that’s scary
No Nut 2022
These small but manageable goals are sure to make your 2022… interesting!
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