The Official SU Squirrel On-Campus Student Purity Test
Caution: This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in COVID symptoms or removal from campus.
Check off every item you have done. Tally the completed boxes at the end for your Squirrel Score.
Have you ever…?
Taken someone on a date to Hawk’s/Benny’s… you cheap fuck.
Been mask-fished
Gone on a Tinder date with someone off campus.
Forgotten to mute yourself during an online lecture.
Turned Zoom video off and went back to sleep for your 8am.
Went to your class location when they were actually meeting on Zoom.
Forgotten to change your Zoom background and joined a class.
Received chips and water for a quarantine meal! YUM!
Attended Zoom U while driving.
Asked for a mental health extension.
Grieved the loss of mid-term break.
Looked at the schedule for next semester and banged your head against the wall.
Broken quarantine rules.
Kissed someone with a mask on (what the hell).
Broken the guest policy more than three times a week.
Had sexual intercourse with a mask on.
Had sexual intercourse without a mask on (c’mon guys).
Matched your mask and underwear.
Been taken in the middle of the night to a separate location for quarantine.
Taken pictures of someone without a mask on and uploaded it to the LiveSafe app.
Been caught without a mask on campus.
Used the wrong ENTRANCE/EXIT door or UP/DOWN stairway just to be a dick.
Been caught on campus wearing a mask and nothing else.
Faked COVID symptoms to avoid going to class in person.
Gone to the Selinsgrove Walmart and seen more than seven locals without masks.
Hawks canceled your food order right before closing.
Seen a dining service worker look very much in despair.
Ran through Deg Fountain…naked…(masked, of course).
Had a COVID scare.
Questioned why you decided to move onto campus in the first place this semester.
If your total score is between 1-5:
You’re probably a freshman.
If your total score is between 6-12:
You likely haven’t left your room all semester.
If your total score is 13-20:
Someone call P-safe!
If your total score is 21-29:
Wow you sound like Jonathan Green back in his hay day.
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