Top 10 People I Would Rather Have Talk on Campus than Mike Pence

By: Your friend who's too woke

By now we have all heard that Michael Richard Pence, a “famous” author and nothing else, is coming to speak here at Susquehanna University. It is amazing that SO many people were so desperate for this senile old fuck to come to our “lovely” renovated campus to speak about his book. That book, by the way, could’ve been written better by a 13-year-old Wattpad fangirl. So here is a list of people that I would rather have talk on campus than Mikey P.

10. One of the mice in Deg

Fuck it. Why not? We have plenty of mice that have made Lower Degenstein their humble abode due to ongoing construction, so we may as well have them work for something. Maybe pay them in stale cheese.

9. Steve from Blue’s Clues

I know he was already on campus once, but we need his kind words. The kids (SU students) miss you.

8. Christopher Columbus

Since we all know that Christopher Columbus was DEFINITELY a good person who DEFINITELY found this wonderful country, let's let him talk! What could go wrong with that?

7. One of THE squirrels on Campus

Again, same with the mice. There are plenty of squirrels who live tuition-free on this campus. Just scoop one up and let it scream to the crowd. At least they have more insightfulness than Mike’s bullshit.

6. Benny

We ALL know this is a solid choice. I mean, who doesn’t love Benny? However, you may be asking “Isn’t Benny mute?” Yes, he is, but instead of talking, I have a better plan. BENNY. DANCE. ROUTINE. 

5. That One Family Member at Thanksgiving

Whether it be that one uncle who always brings politics up or your sweet grandma who spews racist remarks at the dinner table; We all have one. It can be like a big, chaotic Thanksgiving dinner with all of SU except no food and all politics. (P.S. If you say you don’t have a relative like this, then I’d check the mirror in the near future.)

4. Rupaul

Again, another obvious choice. Instead of talking, he could team up with the River Queens to put on the BEST drag show EVER. Rupaul, if you see this, please respond to my emails. I know you look at them.

3. The Pope

I think everyone can agree that we need a bit of Jesus right now. So why not the Pope? I heard that Villanova isn’t far from here, so maybe he could stop by?

2. Taylor Swift

Before you scream about your favorite white girl coming to Susquehanna, hear me out. What if she has her wedding with Travis Kelce AT Weber Chapel?! Yes, it would be a lot of money, but that’s why the university’s tuition is high, right? Right?

Finally, the arguably correct answer,

1. The Fly from that Debate

Come on. We all NEED to know the insights about Mike. What does he smell like? Does he actually have a brain? Does he miss Trump after the breakup? These questions NEED to be answered!

I hope you enjoyed my CORRECT top ten list. If you have any complaints, send your messages to wokesustudent@susqu.edu. I will not read any of them, but at least you can brag to your wife about “owning the liberal agenda” as she questions why she married a manchild with about as much personality as a piece of cardboard.