Top 3 Things that Babies Have but they Shouldn’t Have Because I Want Them and also Babies Don’t Pay

BY: Amber Martino

According to numerous highly scientific and exhaustively thorough studies done by the, like, 3 neuroscience students on campus that aren’t blatant baby sympathizers, babies are dumb as fuck and I hate them. I mean, seriously, just look at your average baby and how fucking stupid they look! People on Quora kept telling me that I don’t get how IQ works and its “standardized” or whatever that means, but now I have actual scientists, so suck on that.

Now, I recently found out that babies don’t pay taxes. Are you serious? They’re the least productive members of society and do nothing but leech our hard work. Remember when everyone (rightfully) flipped shit about Trump paying only like $750 in income tax? Well, you know how much my aunt’s kid paid? NOTHING!

The more I contemplate my seething hatred for babies, the more I realize that hard work is not all they’ve taken from us. The American people need to stand up and take back what we’re owed! Open your eyes, sheeple, to this truly eye-opening Top 3 list!

(Disclaimer: The web version of this article may contain affiliate links, from which The Squirrel may earn a small commission. Give us our money, SGA.)

1) Dinosaur Clothes

I mean, come on, who hasn’t had that same exact traumatizing experience at age 14? I remember walking into my first day of high school and being mocked mercilessly in my remedial math class for wearing my dino-sneakers and my purple-gray shirt that said, “Dinosaur Puns are Pterable!” Get it? Because, like, pterodactyls! I was worried they didn’t get it at first, but it even had a little picture of a pterodactyl on it.

When I tried to explain the joke to them, though they laughed even harder. They called me a baby for wearing dinosaur clothes. I will never forgive them.

What, pray tell, makes babies so special that they’re allowed to wear dinosaur clothes and I’m not? Is it a maturity thing? Because I read online that babies can live up to 100 years sometimes, so when are they too old? My old classmates can suck a fat one, I deserved to win best dressed.

2) Baby Bouncers

If you look deep into your soul, dig all the way down and touch the very core of the universal human essence, it instantly becomes unfalsifiably and self-evidently fact that everyone likes bouncing.

According to a report from market.us, Trampoline parks are a $1.4 billion industry and, with that in mind, I have a simple question. Have you ever seen a baby in a trampoline park? Of course, you haven’t. They get their own bouncing in the comfort of their own home.

I just googled trampoline park prices and you know what I found? Tickets can be over 30 dollars for a two-hour session!

And now I just googled baby bouncers and found that the Fisher-Price Roarin' Rainforest Jumperoo is on sale for only $103! For the price of less than six hours at a trampoline park a baby gets infinite bounce-time AND the Fisher-Price Roarin' Rainforest Jumperoo has special features like built-in lights, music, and cupholders. Think for a second, what do babies need cupholders for? That’s right, alcoholism. The LAST thing babies need is alcohol and the FIRST thing I need is a rum and coke while bouncing on the motherfucking Fisher-Price Roarin' Rainforest Jumperoo!

This makes the pink tax look like a fucking joke.

3) A Superior Drinking Experience

I’m covering a few here because this is what’s really important to me. Remember that one scene from Inspector Gadget 2 when he walks into the bar undercover and says “I’ll have a nice tall glass of milk”? And then he says “Chocolate milk, make it a double”? Well, when I watched that movie with my friends, they laughed at him. They laughed because an adult ordered chocolate milk.

What. The. Fuck.

Chocolate milk is one of the best things that’s ever happened to society, and the fact that they tried to cancel one of the country’s greatest detectives for “appropriating baby culture” is completely unacceptable.

Furthermore, you know what would end the use of plastic straws? Not paper straws because everyone hates those, not reusable straws because those are hard to clean, but silicone nipple lids for cups! They’re easier to clean than straws and like 1,000 times more fun. It’s just not fair that babies get milk from the real nipples AND the fake ones, meanwhile we are afforded milk from neither. Absolutely appalling.

But we can’t. Babies have claimed all the milk (choccy or otherwise), all the bouncy toys, and all the dino-clothes leaving absolutely nothing for the rest of us. Baby culture has subjugated the American people for far too long, and it’s time we do something about it. I’m done.

If you’re with me, rise up! This coming Friday, stand up in the dining hall whenever you have your lunch and scream to the heavens “I want my mommy milky!” Those with the conviction to do so will be indoctrinated into my new order.

The revolution is now.