What to do if you or a loved one can’t stop talking about how nice the weather is outside

BY: JULIE HEANEY

SUSQUEHANNA UNIVERSITY - After a painful 2020 and dreary start to 2021, all you, your mom, your roommates, your friends, and probably the women your mom subscribes to on OnlyFans can talk about is how nice the weather is outside. We at The SU Squirrel understand this, but please, we would love if you’d shut up about it. Here are some suggestions for other things to discuss during your everyday mundane interactions:

  • How many bowties President Green owns. Seriously. Someone should ask him.

  • Maybe… what you do in your free time. That’s a safe bet.

  • The shadows around campus and how they seem to be following you lately.

  • Wait, your mom subscribes to people on OnlyFans?

  • Hmph. Global warming seems to be a rather important topic lately.

  • Veganism.

  • Chad’s mom has an OnlyFans. Maybe she’d like to collab.

  • The squirrels around campus have been looking especially ferocious lately… some of the cocaine from Bucknell must’ve gotten over to them.

  • Cryptocurrency. Non fungible tokens. Game Stop.

  • Have you seen that random skater guy on campus lately? What happened to him?

  • Wait, no seriously, how the fuck did your mom find out about OnlyFans?

  • The deep ocean. No one knows what’s down there.

  • Our inevitable plunge into the abyss.

  • What if the grass around campus turned into actual grass…like pot. Because some people call pot grass so like hmm…that’d be cool.

  • What kind of people does your mom subscribe to on OnlyFans?

  • The legal drinking age.

  • How does the Internet work?

  • That recurring dream you keep having about where you walk around campus at night and run into the same three men wearing gas masks who carry a suspicious suitcase. Yeah definitely talk to someone about that.

  • Maybe what you’re going to do with your stupid and miserable life once you graduate.

  • Sexuality

  • World Hunger

  • The ethical dilemma of consensual cannibalism.

  • Shit! Does this mean that… your mom found your OnlyFans?

Better call her.

Write for The Squirrel

We always welcome new writers and thinkers so send us ideas, articles, headlines, comics, or any other satire your brain had cooked up while you read. 

Comment on The Squirrel

Share your thoughts, whatever they may be, with the writers, editors, and creators of The Squirrel. 

Join The Squirrel

SU students are welcome to join us! E-mail us through our contact page for the latest meeting info.

Please reload

squirrel.png