A Guide to Populating Your Circus

Are you an up-and-coming ringmaster? An established circus whose clowns are aging out of their prime time for performance? Looking to expand your clown troop without running into any ethical conundrums? Then you’re in the right place! Here is a comprehensive guide on the history and modern practices in clown husbandry, so you can fill up that big top with lots of little clownlings without People for the Ethical Treatment of Clowns (PETC) being up your ass.

Circus clowns are descended from a more ancient form of performer, the harlequin. This is an ancestor they share with mimes, though mimes bear a stronger resemblance, being French. Harlequins were domesticated in the 1600s, and soon specialized breeding became popular. Colorful offspring were favored for those running children’s circuses, while a recessive gene to keep the offspring mute was favored for mime shows. 

As in all new industries, the first generations of clown husbandry were rife with abuse. There were breeders experimenting left and right, and that has had ramifications for years to come. Abuses in the early days are what caused the population of Horror Clowns. Pennywise exists because PETC didn’t exist in 1724. 

The first sign that you have a proper circus clownling on your hands is their egg. Clowns are one of only two mammals in the world to lay eggs. Circus clown eggs are brightly colored, resembling enormous Easter eggs. Polka dots, stripes, and primary colors are all markers of a proper circus clown egg. Mime eggs are black and white, and rare hybrids are often more pastel in hue. 

As soon as clownlings hatch, you must set them on the circus path. Most ringmasters will allow clownlings to choose their talent; tightrope walking, elephant wrangling, flower lapel spraying, etc., but if your clownling seems unsure, it’s best to focus them on the same speciality as their parents.

Most clownlings thrive on a diet of Kellogg’s Sugar Rice Krinkles, especially if they’re allowed to stare at the clown on the box while they eat. They can be fed solid foods as soon as they hatch, but most doctors advise against feeding them anything carbonated until they are at least 2 months old, as carbonated beverages before this age can make them float.

You can tell the maturity of a clown by their nose. Clowns are born with the size of nose they will have as an adult. Clownlings are well known for their improportional honks, much squeakier than their adult counterparts. You can identify when a clownling is reaching puberty by a change in their baseline honk pitch. 

Clowns are pack animals, so it’s best to have at least three clowns in your troop at all times. This can be difficult if you’re just starting your circus, but it keeps your clowns happier and healthier in the long run, which is important if you’re not looking to raise a group of Sad Clowns, which really bring down the vibe of a circus production. 

When breeding clowns, allowing them to choose their own partners is often the best choice. Every once in a while, a male clown will get confused and fall for a gorilla in a hat with a single flower on it, but they can be easily redirected. Do not allow male clowns to mate with gorillas with hats. We do not want more Horror Clowns on the streets. The outbreak in 2016 was bad enough.

If you have any questions, please reach out to us at t0t4llyn0rmal3mail@gmail.com!