How to Hide A Rip in Your Pants
By: a loyal Khaki buyer
So, you’ve ripped your beloved khaki’s while mimicking your best friend doing a squat in the back of a Walmart next to the box set of “Steven Universe” on graduation night. Your prized khakis have been ripped from asshole to inner thigh. And it’s getting colder. While it is ok to absolutely cry and break down at this moment, you must act fast, as the floor-cleaning robot is closing in on your aisle. Fear not dear State Farm love child, for this list is for you!
1. Yell at someone to go out and grab the swim trunks from your car! While crying and thinking about the long ride home with your storage closets and fat rocket touching the leather seat of your Chevy impala, you remember the pair of white Hawaiian swim trunks that absolutely smell like piss and chlorine. Look at your best friend with the biggest fuck me eyes possible and whimper like the breedable little piece of trash you are and beg for forgiveness. You are at the mercy of this man. He is Judge Judy, the poor soul summoned for jury duty, and the electric chair you’d receive because you are driving barefoot (please, go back inside, and put those Rottweiler’s away). you ask “please for the love of god, get the damn swim trunks, people are beginning to look.” He complies, as this is hilarious.
2. Realize you can buy clothes! OF COURSE! Why didn’t you think of that, actual troglodyte? You're in Walmart: the palace of dreams, the house of wonders. And the kingdom of “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this bull honky.” Just imagine that sweet, smooth, supple fabric of the khakis, as it grazes your tight ass. The only issue here is you’d be located right next to the Baby section! And you are not a petite little baby boy, but in fact a large fat man. Oh, and you know you will ONLY buy khakis. Jeans make you look like a mom on the hunt for crocs. In the words of our god Shakira “these hips don’t lie.” This plan is a bust, you must think fast.
3. Pray. Your friends are now on the floor wheezing and laughing at the fat boy’s misfortune. They laugh at the american dream JORT themed underwear you were wearing. And why wouldn’t you laugh like them? To be completely honest with you, this was divine justice. Some omnipotent power looked at you and thought: “Not today champ. You will not win today”. You were an ass for making fun of your friend for doing a bend and snap at a guy who looked exactly like Taylor Lautner except he is a bear. This is prime dick-sucking real estate and you laughed at him. Shame on you, your mother, and her big phat ass.
4. Have your friend LITERALLY ASS FUCK-WADDLE YOU TO THE FRONT OF THE DAMN STORE. The easy access hole created by the bend and snap allows for heightened sexual tension. Remember, he did just see discounted wolf boy from Twilight. This man has been horny the entire night and you know without a doubt, the only thing between you and “Swedish bike riding” is the american peace sign on the jort themed underwear. You spoon-shuffle past the baby section, through the women’s delicate section, and finally past the registers and to the front of the store. Remember, god gives his silliest clowns the hardest of battles.
5. Embarrassment. This entire ordeal happened within the span of an hour, though it felt like several. But you’ve made it to the front, even if you feel “different” after this. Your one friend will retrieve your piss and chlorine flavored swim trunks. Meanwhile a group of girls enter the building. They know you from your dastardly charm and Civil War-esque mutton chops..You wave as your friend exclaims “HE RIPPED HIS PANTS!” This isn’t the worst part. The girls with lackluster hearing miss everything that is said and hear “HE SHIT HIMSELF!” Your face goes red as your jort themed underwear are exposed in a blaze of american glory.
Now you're an adult. So please, go buy more khakis.
