A Weirdmageddon Survival Guide for Dummies
By: Grunkle Ford’s 6th Finger
Howdy folks! Have you somehow landed yourself in the middle of an apocalypse with an inter-dimensional dorito? Do you feel like you’re currently living in a fucked up version of Scooby Doo? Well, have I got some good news for you. I’m here to bring you only the best survival tips on how to prevent your imminent and impending doom.
If you have a nickname based on a really weird birthmark you have, stay the hell away. You will be the target and you will not have a fun time.
Remember to stock up on provisions. Squirrels and birds come in an abundance and the world will be better off without them anyway. Just be cautious that you don’t accidentally off someone in a giant bird suit or you’ll have a mutiny on your hands.
Stay as weird as possible. This is something not to be messed with so all you normie bitches better watch out. I mean weird is in the name so if you’re not weird, you’re dead.
If a terrifying being attempts to enter your mind on the basis of being friends, run. They don’t want to be your friend, but quite literally want to possess you and unlock the secrets of the universe.
Did you enjoy writing secret messages as a kid? Well now you can do it so you don’t die! Weird cryptic messages can be found pretty much everywhere so brushing up on your decoding skills isn’t a bad idea.
Beware the forest... and pretty much everything else. Listen, there’s some weird, vile, and messed up things in there and it’s just better for you to stay away. If the abominations won’t kill you, then the woods certainly will.
Find somewhere deserted to hole up in. I’ve heard that almost-abandoned malls make a great place to go. No one will pay you any mind, and you can live off the pretzels at the somehow-still-open Auntie Anne’s.
Train a team of squirrels for aid. Along with being an adequate food source, squirrels can be quite useful for other things. They can gather food, do recon, pretty much anything you want them to do. They’re a very versatile species.
Just dance like no-one is watching. Let’s face it, you’re staring down the end of the world here so you deserve to dance your heart out. Being embarrassed should be the least of your worries at this point. Everyone around you is dying and you deserve one good bit of happiness.
If you find a journal with a hand on it, do not lose it. This is your biggest key to survival and if you hand it over to someone who shouldn’t have it, you might find yourself part of a throne you don’t want to be on.
I hope that this survival guide has been of some help and good luck! Remember! Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram. Buy gold, BYE!
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