Are Your Roommates Eldritch Horrors? Mine Are!

By: cryptid wrangler

This autumn many college students are on the brink of realizing that the voids of hellish energy which have been sleeping in their dorm are in fact eldritch horrors here to claim the souls of all who cross their paths. The first step in surviving such a situation is identifying which being has made its mark in your living space. As someone currently living with two types of eldritch horrors, I have the unique insight to determine the kind of creature you may possibly be cohabitating with at this very moment.

The first potential kind is the Higher Being. This horror is always vanishing—capable of moving between the physical dimensions without a sound—and surpasses all necessity for biological needs. This entity does not need sleep, food, or water, and sometimes goes as far as to surpass the need for sexual desire. (They will cover these attributes by saying they have insomnia, are asexual, or had food when you weren’t around.)

The Higher Being’s familiar is a disembodied roar, similar to a jet engine, and this being will decorate their living space with physical trophies of souls previously stolen. These trophies can manifest as stuffed animals, posters, trinkets, and statues. I swear at night I can hear the cries of the victims’ souls from inside the Squishmallows on my roommate’s bed…

The danger of being the Higher Being’s next victim passes once you have befriended them. Offer them more space to store their trophies, ignore the demonic glow of their eyes in the darkness, and do not jump when you see them rise from the foggy gloom to materialize in your room.

The second kind is the Feral Being. This horror is particularly violent and stabby, scaring everyone who dares make contact with their demonic gaze. This being hoards shiny trinkets and snacks, gifting them to their familiar who is typically a dragon or crow. Feral Beings tend to enjoy soda and milkshakes as the texture and taste remind them of eating a soul. Everywhere they go this being is noticed by their appearing and disappearing in a sudden storm of birds as dark energy radiates around.

The Feral Being bares their fangs at all who cross their path and feeds on the resulting terror, slowly draining the life from all who they despise. (They will cover these attributes by claiming they have resting bitch face or are a frat boy.)

Befriending the Feral Being is difficult, but rewarding. You must move slowly and cautiously so as not to spook them. Once they have bonded to you though, they will be your sworn protector and potentially even share their snacks. Supplying them regularly with shiny objects and food will keep the bond strong and your soul safe.

Once you have determined the type of eldritch horror sharing your living space, begin the befriending process quickly before their powers grow too strong and your soul is sucked away to become an addition to the trophy collection. Good luck and may Satan bless your endeavors this Halloween!