How to Watch Horror Movies 101

By: Scaredy Cat (aka me)

It is a dark and stormy night. The wind is howling against your window and the bare trees paint ghastly shadows across your room. Your air unit that still has not switched from AC to heat sends a dusting of goosebumps over your arms. In the distance, a singular beam of light illuminates your room accompanied by a low ringing buzz that echoes against the cardboard thin walls. With trembling hands, you retrieve your phone and scan the recent notifications. Your eyes glaze over with panic. You have been cursed with your greatest fear… You’ve been invited to watch a horror movie. Even worse, you hate saying no. It was just so kind that you were invited! And if you don’t go, will you ever get invited anywhere ever again?

While your knees may be knocking and your teeth may be chattering at the thought of this spine-chilling situation, fear not! For I know how to best conquer the spookiest season. Follow along as I give you a crash course on how to watch scary movies (especially if you’re a chronic people pleaser).

First, you’re going to put on your cutest set of pajamas. Emphasize how nervous you are to watch the movie before it starts. Bonus points if you’ve never seen it. Make sure you have someone to snuggle up next to when the bad guy starts lurking. And then- Okay, stop. I’m NOT talking about using a horror movie as a ruse to hook up with someone. Just put on The Weeknd or something and get it over with. Sluts.

To survive watching a horror movie, you must be prepared on all levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Your coziest blanket is a must-have because it’s perfect for hiding under. I want to make it clear right off the bat, there is no such thing as too many Squishmallows. Lastly, you need to wear fuzzy socks. This doesn’t really help with anything, but they will make you feel cute.

I’ve found the best way to watch a horror movie is to remind yourself that it’s fake. I suggest repeating a phrase such as “Nothing is real” or “It’s all a facade” under your breath for the entire duration of the movie. Not only will you block out any slasher sound effects, but it’s also a great grounding technique! Whatever you do, don’t cry. The movies can sense your fear and will get scarier if they can smell your tears.

Spiritual preparation is the most important aspect. On the days leading up to the movie night, you need to be on the lookout for signs. Angel numbers are your best friend. Flex your wishing muscles with a good old rendition of “Star Light, Star Bright” each evening. If the movie is really terrible, I might suggest investing in some sage. If the fire alarm goes off, just blame it on your neighbors and say they got weed from a florist.

With any luck, following my exact instructions will lead you to becoming this social situation’s final girl. If they don’t work then I don’t know, maybe cry about it? Stay safe out there, and don’t let the human centipede and all its little legs bite!