Top 5 Cryptids I’d Like To Fuck

By: A Devout Christian

5. Demons

Specifically the ones with wings, like only the ones with wings. I feel you judging me so just hear me out! There’s just something about wings and the way they wrap around you in the bedroom. If you were on Tumblr at any time during Supernatural’s reign then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about with the erotic properties of those appendages. In unrelated news, I’m no longer allowed in the bird exhibit at the local zoo.

4. Werewolf

Look…I’m scared of dogs. But! But, but, but, there’s just something about fucking someone who could possibly transform into a wolf. There’s an extra charge to the growling and clawing and biting and overall brutality of them. Side note: whoever invented clear search history was a god, because now no one can ever prove there was omegaverse fanfiction on my computer.

3. Kraken

2. Alien

When our alien overlords come to destroy this overpopulated specimen cup and they select human breeding partners to take back to their world and restore their dwindling population, I will be the first person in line for the ship. It’s just a smart survival move! Would you rather stay on an exploding planet with the rest of these degenerates, or would you rather go be an alien breeding pet on a planet not actively burning alive? I think we all know the answer to that. I’d probably have more rights on the alien planet, too.

1. Vampire

Are you really a cryptid fucker if you don’t want to feel a hot vampire mommy draining the blood from your carotid artery and licking the wound closed? Being held quite literally as her special little treat? I don’t think I need to explain myself further with this one because I don’t want to make anyone too horny from thinking about warm gushing blood running down your neck and chest… Also you’ll save a fortune on lube! In more unrelated news, I’m banned from the local blood bank.

See you all at church on Sunday! I have some *ahem* personal things to do now…

Honorable Mention: Flatwoods Monster

Trim those nails baby and those fingers can reach all the way to my—*gunshots*