Best Summer Ever Bucket List

By: Kenzie Piacenti and Becky Wood

As the summer is coming upon us, we know that many people are faced with the dilemma of living in a shitty, small town that sucks major snicker’s dick veins. If this describes you, and if your parents have so much money that you don't have to work the whole summer, we have some tips and tricks for the perfect summer. If you do everything on this list you are guaranteed to have the best summer ever. And, if you complete the list Quiznos will give you a free sub!

Bucket List Summer 2022: Best Summer Ever

• Find a group of summer friends

• Get a summer fling, nothing is better than sweaty summer sex that smells like a pool gutter (bonus points if you don’t use a condom)

• Go skinny dipping in a lake (with strangers)

• Visit the ocean, you’re only going to have so many more chances oh god I’m 20 I’m a quarter way to death and I haven’t done shit with my life holy fuck oh my god

• Become a scalper and sell overpriced tickets at a concert. (Some options: My Chemical Romance, Tame Impala, or Tyler The Creator.)

• Buy psychedelics on the dark web

• Try psychedelics

• Try selling psychedelics

• Have an existential crisis because your period is two days late, oh my God what if I’m pregnant, I just had to go for the bonus points didn’t I? Oh shit, no the baby would be born in aries season, I can’t have an aries baby!

• Write to a prison pen pal (maybe Joe exotic, you know…The Tiger King, remember him?)

• Hack into NASA

• Join a gang

• Learn how to use spray paint on a local bridge

• Bungee Jump from the Empire State Building

• Steal your parents’ credit cards

• Use said stolen credit cards to buy gasoline since you can’t afford gas prices on your own

• Pour gasoline on your least favorite building (preferably Steele)

• Light the gasoline on fire

• Watch everything burn

• Laugh maniacally

• Notice that it is burning slightly less than the rest of the earth

• Have another existential crisis, this time about climate change and global warming.

• See how much electricity your body can actually handle

• Start out light with a taser.

• Can it handle a toaster bath?

• Can it handle holding a metal rod in the middle of a thunderstorm?

• Can it handle you sticking a metal fork in an outlet?

Trust us, this bucket list is a foolproof way to have the best summer ever! Our next issue will feature a bucket list of how to spend your time in prison. We wish you the best of luck completing this list! H.A.G.S.