Board of Trustees to turn SU into a Clown College

Last Wednesday, the SU Board of Trustees met at 3AM to discuss changes to be made to the University. While the sentiment that the school is unprofitable has been a long-held position by most of the Trustees, the solution to such an issue has often been a simple increase in tuition. But after a surprising proposal by yours truly, in a nearly unanimous vote (35-1), the transformation was all but assured.

When asked why she voted in favor of such a massive change to the school, one member, Sam R. Legume, said, "It just makes sense. All the tiny changes we've been trying have made the student body...well, displeased, to say the least." Pausing to hang her Trustee cloak up before adding, "I've always voted in favor of school's interest over anything else, including profit. If this turns out poorly and unprofitable, I'll nail my resignation letter to the new doors of Degenstein."

Trustee SRL has always voted in favor of upping tuition.

During the discussions, potential changes to the University were proposed. While most departments are to remain relatively unchanged to allow current students to maintain their degrees, certain classes will be phased out in favor of others. 

The Music Department is expected to refocus their classes towards more circus music with calliopes, squeaking horns, and kazoos. The Art Department is to stop accepting human students in favor of elephants, monkeys, and other similar animals of talent. The Writing Department is to start accepting only monkeys and abandon all writing technology in favor of the typewriter. The Business Department is to expect to start making decisions based on goldfish and chatbots. The department to expect the biggest changes is the Theater Department. They will be receiving a huge increase in funding to hire a whole clown car's worth of new professors and running new classes such as: Acrobatics; Juggling; Squirrel Taming; Stilts; Aerial Work; and Squirrel Riding.

I was able to catch President Jonathan D. Green after the meeting lying on his lawn. The man was downtrodden to have voted in favor of such a radical change to the university. With a tear in his eye, he commented, "I've grown to love this community over the last decade since my appointment. I was saddened by the initial concept." Then the tear faded as he began to smile. "Then someone proposed an increase to my bowtie budget. Albeit with the caveat that they must get larger. But I've always been a fan of novelty bowties." He then pressed on his bowtie and squirted water in my face.

Already interviews for new faculty have begun, many of whom are excited at the prospect of a four-year program. They informed me that typical clown college is only a few week program, running from dawn until well after dusk. "This intensity paired with how dangerous our acts can be means a single injury would ruin a potential clown's chances," said Matt Pauli after his interview. "But a longer program means more intimacy with each skill and gives students plenty of recovery time."

Representatives of Geisinger upon learning of the planned change only smiled and said prices for care would change, "only marginally."

Lastly, the dissenter from the trustee's vote sought me out to provide comment, although wished to remain anonymous, "When I proposed the idea, I thought it would prove how circus-like our changes have made the school. I didn't think it'd go like this."

Regardless of their wishes, the university is expecting many changes to occur over winter break, such as: